The Narcissist at Work

The Sibling Narcissist


Many of us marry into relationships with narcissists, and others simply work with, become friends with, or date them. Those relationships are hard enough to leave. But what do you do when the narcissist in your life is a sibling?

Not only are you bound by family matters (parents, other siblings, life history), you’re bound by guilt and a sense of obligation-after all, blood is thicker than water, right? Sometimes. But the fact is, no matter what the blood ties, or the relationship (marriage, coworker, friend, acquaintance, business contact etc) you don’t owe the narcissist loyalty, let alone the frayed nerves, anger, tension and feelings you get when being around them.

The same rules for siblings, or sons, or daughters or parents who are narcissists, hold true as for non-related narcissists. YOU are more important than their need for narcissistic supply. Your boundaries are just as important and your need to protect yourself from their asinine antics are probably even more critical since you’re almost forced by some situations to have contact with them.

Yes, it’s okay to write them out of your life and ignore them for years, or even decades, if you can do that. Most of us can’t. We’re called on to interact at least at things like family funerals, parents needing to go into nursing homes, financial or legal matters or any variety of situations where you have to engage. If you’re unfortunate enough to be young enough to be living at home with a narcissist sibling, there’s no better time than the present to start learning how to deal with them. It will not only give you the discipline, insight and ability to deal with narcissists “at large”, but it will help you strengthen your boundary setting skills while you’re still young and strong!

The really hard part of having a narcissist sibling is that they know your buttons and can push them better than anyone else. They have an inside track on how you tick. That’s why it’s so important to learn how to shut-up around them and to not share things with them that will only become trigger fodder down the road.

What You Can Expect From A Narcissist Sibling (Or are already experiencing)

  • Betrayal
  • Bullying
  • Scapegoating
  • Emotional abuse
  • Physical abuse
  • Pathological lying
  • Gaslighting
  • Judgment
  • Criticism
  • Sadism
  • Lack of empathy
  • Coldness
  • Aloofness
  • Sexual abuse

Yes, we ALL want, wish and long for close family ties, family love and support, but we’re not going to get it from a narcissist sibling or relative. They won’t change so you have to in order to survive them. The rules are the same:

  • Set boundaries and communicate them clearly, in writing, in an email if you can.
  • Don’t take the bait. When they punch your buttons and flip your triggers, bite your tongue and leave.
  • Learn to just say “No,” and walk away.
  • Don’t argue or discuss controversial things with them. Remember, they like to win at all costs.
  • Keep your life as personal as possible. Lock up journals and diaries and password protect your computers.
  • Do not introduce your friends to them. They’re likely to charm them away and make you the bad guy. You’ll not only lose your friends, they’ll likely be convinced by your narcissist sibling that you’re the crazy one.

The Golden Rule of Relationships is: “You can only change yourself.”  That means don’t even think about trying to change your sibiling. They of course will try to change you. They’ll violate your boundaries, anger you, betray you and drive you insane IF YOU LET THEM. So don’t. Sound impossible? Yeah, we know. It feels that way too.  However, there things you can do to make it easier, in addition to the tips listed above:

Learn to emotionally detach from your sibling. This may require a psychologist or counselor’s help, but it will be worth the heartache it will save you down the road. Learn to separate out the narcissist’s projections from yourself. Any failings or dark feelings they harbor in their own hearts will be projected onto you. By making you the problem instead of themselves, they can feel better about their dysfunction, if only for a short while. Don’t let that happen.

If emotional distancing doesn’t work for you, then you may have to entirely sever the relationship with the narcissistic brother and/or sister.  This is harder when you’re living with them, but not impossible. Once you’re out of the house, consider severing the tie entirely. Seriously considering ending what was never a true relationship is not betrayal, it’s survival. Narcissists are incapable of caring about anyone but themselves. They are cruel, cunning, ruthless, harsh, and you will never find them to be kind or understanding no matter how much they profess to be.

If forced into a legal situation, such as having to sell your parent’s home, or deciding where to put mom or dad (hospital or nursing home), or encountering issues with a will or other situation, hire an attorney who has experience with narcissists (be careful, many attorneys are narcissists themselves and will side with your sibling!) and let them handle the situation while you make decisions from the privacy and safety of your own bubble. Forward all emails to your attorney and don’t respond to the sibling except through your attorney. Trust me, the financial pain of this arrangement will be far less painful than the psychological pain of dealing with the narcissist directly.

Have no emotional expectations or keep them very low. Narcissists can be charming, smart and talented, but they’re very emotionally limited. If you understand that you can interact with them without being disappointed. Narcissists only respond to you if they believe it’s in their best interest, not yours.

Never make your self-worth dependent on them. The trap that all victims fall into with narcissists, whether related or not, is to try to please them in hopes of getting them to change, or to see your side. It won’t work and they’ll only consider you a greater source of supply and make life more miserable.

Never share any deep feelings, goals, dreams or vulnerabilities with them. They won’t cherish them and will only use them against you.

If you must interact with them or ask them for something, show them how giving it to you will benefit them in some way. Reframe things so they become the center of attention and your needs disappear. Rather than saying, “I’d like to go to the movies,”  say, “You’re such an excellent judge of movies. I’d love to hear your insights and take on this new movie.”   Ego stroking the narcissist is tedious and demeaning at best, but it’s often worth doing to avoid a narcissistic rage, or in order to get what you want and can’t get from them any other way. Stating your needs, getting angry and threats don’t work. Stroking their ego will.

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66 Comments to "The Sibling Narcissist"

  1. […] Got a narcissist for a sibling? Then you’re well-acquainted with the toxic effect they have over family relationships. A great post over at The Narcissist at Work has a wealth of advice: The Sibling Narcissist. […]

  2. susan says:

    Thank you for writing this article as I’ve spent my whole life being scapegoated , criticized and judged. I felt crazy, insane, emotionally abused and feeling I would never be seen as valuable, worthy or respectable. Now I have the power to say it’s them. No matter how much I want that relationship I won’t get it from my sibling. This article describes everything I experience and feel exactly!!! Setting boundaries is what I have to learn and believing I”m not crazy. Thank you!

    • admin says:

      Thank you for reading it and responding! I’m so sorry you were so abused. You did NOT deserve it. I am glad you’ve learned boundaries and are healing! Keep it up!

      • Dian says:

        Interestingly, I was completely ostracized from my family when I severed my relationship with my sister 15 yrs ago. I wish I’d had this article back then. Not that my parents or brother would’ve believed it…they were all victimized by her too. Sucked in to believing her lies, is more like it. It’s interesting to me that so many of us have Sister’s who are narcisstic. Wonder if more women than men are narcisstic

    • Beth says:

      Susan, It was exactly the same for me with a narcissistic sister. I’m finally feeling a sense of understanding that will help me find closure to a lifetime of emotional abuse. The anxiety when I knew I’d have to see her, and deal with her manipulative ways are finally going to be a thing of the past! Better late than never, I say. I need to read the previous article “How to get the narcissist out of your head”. THAT is what I really need the most. The icing on the cake, if you will.

  3. Penny says:

    Interesting read on narcissism. The following article on narcissistic relationships was also very insightful.

  4. HereAndThere says:

    I’ve finally distanced myself from my narcissist sister. I put up with a lot of shit and would have continued because that was normal life for me. I just think that after a certain age, the physical abuse should stop. We’re in our thirties and it was only getting worse. I had to give up a lot when I left and started from scratch but freedom is worth it.
    keep up the good work. even though it’s been 2 years of no contact for me, I read sites like yours from time to time to remind myself of why I took this decision and why I must stick to it.

  5. Karina says:

    Thanks for the article!
    I am currently living with a narcissistic brother and he just loves to make me angry. I am suffering a lot living with so much rage in my heart- I try to detach myself emotionally from him but it is hard as he can be great sometimes and then turn extremely argumentative and aggressive without warning. He always turns things around and makes it seem as though I was the one provoking the conflict! I try to just tell him that I don´t want to argue and walk away, but he just follows me and enters my room; he has to have the last word. If I had a lock on my door he would break it down! Sorry for the rant but my brother is slowly poisoning my soul! What can I do?

    • Wendy Wilson says:

      That’s just it! The youngest sibling in our family of 3 children is male. You give him an inch (Christmas card, Easter greeting text, etc), and he takes a mile by intentional sloppy cleaning of parents hoarded house, accusing us of taking HIS bags and boxes HE brought to sort with, dumping more crap in a room just about cleared, implying that we aren’t taking care of Mom’s needs, acts like he knows her better than we do (“She’s not particularly happy where she is”, She feels so closed off without email”, blah, blah, blah. He just wants a computer in her apt to show her bizarre treatments for her dementia. She has told everyone else that she doesn’t use it, doesn’t know why it is even there.
      Dad passed last spring, mom has dementia, but still recognizes him. Older sister has the financial/medical POA.
      This male sibling had the gall to suggest we are ignoring mom’s pain, and suggested we take her to the dr!!
      He’s aloof, in his own little world, drove a wedge in the family and lured our folks to HIS strange friends for Thanksgivings. We used to have wonderful Thanksgivings, with all our children. Then, he roped mom and dad in how his friends were more important.
      I’ve broken contact with him. He sent me an email last night calling me a bully. HE is the one being the bully with his passive aggressiveness! He has sent rude emails to my sister (she sent me copies).
      Oh, to top it off? He claimed he didnt know dad had passed, last year, when the rest of us were at the nursing home, repeatedly trying to get him to call us back. We all tried to call him, and leave messages. He chose not to keep his phone with him, while our dad had been slipping for several days. Then he tries to claim that nobody told him. He is always trying to manipulate others
      I’ve had it with him. I’m done. I don’t even think I can wait till mom’s time has come to cut ties with him. Not after that lie that I’m the bully, when it is he that bullies with his evil ways.

      • Ann Nonnie says:

        Above: I could have written this post myself. Only include with it failure to execute my Father’s will properly, manipulation of Alzheimer’s Mother to change Power of Attorney in his favor, failure to settle my parent’s moving debt (I fronted the money), abusive emails, shouting threats at me over the phone…and he’s a LAWYER btw, so there really is no recourse whatsoever. I’ve written this relationship off. Still coming to terms with that, but it’s for the best I think :)

  6. Shelley says:

    With the exception of sexual abuse, you just described my younger brother completely. He and my mother exhibit overt full spectrum narcissism. Highly toxic, which is why I have no contact with any siblings or the toxic blood family and haven’t for several years. Narcissim runs in families. It is quite common to marry one, having been raised by them. I’ve been their scapegoat most of my life. Their cruelties and abuses are many. Not anymore! I took my life back, put everything into obtaining a much needed divorce & then washed my hands of the lot of them! Emotionally and mentally sound people do not keep company with the disordered. That would be suicide of the soul.

  7. Shay says:

    Thank you so much for this. My sister has abandoned my father and me, and left on his birthday. She has always used subtle mind games and even accused me of being stoned when I cried when discussing my ex-boyfriends death. They know no bounds, and sadly, my mother feels trapped. She is only speaking to my mother since she can’t maintain relationships. Everyone has put it on my back to even the playing field with her and make amends, but she has deleted me off facebook, saw nothing wrong with what she has done and even works as a social worker helping people with Borderline Personality and stating she doesn’t care about them, she wants the money. I still feel guilty, but she plays everything so well and I always look crazy and she says that I am (oddly I have BPD…), but I don’t know if I should just move on and start a healthy life with a man that loves me and take care of my also narcissistic father who is heartbroken. His whole family has left me and I am the only one that still talks to him etc. I feel trapped, and I don’t know if you have any advice. Sorry for the rant…Thank you SO MUCH again for the article. I feel much less guilty <3

  8. Lisa says:


    My younger brother and I are at the beginning what will undoubtedly be a long journey into no-contact with our Narcissistic Mum, Dad AND brother…..I feel like you must have had hidden cameras/microphones in our homes!
    Thank you so much for reaffirming the decision we’ve made :)

  9. Susan Wilson says:

    I found this to be extremely useful, but would also recommend Melanie Tonia Evans website.

    • admin says:

      Susan, Melanie Tonia Evans website is VERY good! Thank you for recommending it! We need ALL the help and advice we can find!

  10. Jenniferlis says:

    This was very helpful! My situation is a little bit different. The problem for me is that my sister began as my best friend and took me into her family as I was an abused child from my biological family. This only fuels her narcissistic abuse towards me with labeling me as a “damaged teenager that I brought into my wonderful and perfect family”. My situation makes it nearly impossible to cut all ties. At a crossroads.

    • admin says:

      Situations are rarely, if ever “impossible.” They may be hard, difficult and painful, but you can DECIDE to change things and cut ties. It will mean admitting you know there is no chance for the life you hoped for with this person, and some pain. When the pain of what you are experiencing is greater than the pain of leaving, and only then….will you be able to leave. It’s okay to leave. It means not having the family you hoped for, but it means accepting that nothing you do is ever going to bring that about so moving on.

  11. M says:

    What a fantastic article. I’ve just realised that both my mother and older sister are narcissists. I’m 52 and have lived all my life thinking I was never good enough. It’s amazing how the narcissist can turn people against you. My mother who is 82 has done that to me with the rest of my family. What I also find interesting is that my sister is that way with me, but would never be like that with her own daughter. Thanks very much for the insights.

  12. MC says:

    Thank You for the information. It helps me to some extent. I have three extremely narcissistic sisters, one of which is a twin. The three manipulate and instigate trouble to the point that I am always on the outs. The twin is (was) physically abusive. The second sibling is explosive and the third is all about “me”. The constant criticism and ridicule that I receive from them is beyond abusive. For the last 20 or so years I have tried to sever ties. All three at some time or another have “pretended” to change to get what they want from me. When they use me monetarily, they discard me until they need me again. Eight years ago, I made a conscious decision to no longer tolerate the mistreatment. I have been very happily married for 20 years and seem to have two separate lives. The happy me with my husband and child and the unhappy me with my sisters. In the last eight years the three of them have “befriended” friends and family turning everyone against me. One has went so far as joining a church that I belonged to even though she lived in another town. Another sis befriended co-workers to instigate trouble at work. They have created social website accounts pretending to be me. They have vandalized my home (broken home and car windows, dead bleeding rat on door, spray painted fence with threats of murder, let air out of my tires). They are no happy that I want to sever ties. Most assaults happen on an anniversary or birthday. The police can’t help unless someone is hurt or I have a witness. My siblings tell everyone that I lie and make it up. They have even suggested that I am the one doing these things. I AM NOT! I have moved several times and tried to hide my location but they eventually find me. I just want to live my life and they can live theirs. I do not understand why they won’t le t me go. The last I heard from one (my twin) sent me an email where she changed a letter in her last name so it wasn’t that same name but close enough for me to know it was her. In the email she threatened me and said she wanted me off the face of the earth. Still the police could not help. At this point in time I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the constant abuse. In one of my twins black out rages she literally ripped a wall to get into my locked bedroom. Later I said that it was like Jack Nickolas in the movie “the Shining” saying “here’s Johnny”. I have nightmares about this all the time. This incident happened in 1992. The point of my story is it’s not that easy to just walk away. In my case ALL THREE of my sisters need to control me. With me walking away it only angers them more. Because we are sisters and not married spouses the police DO NOTHING and act like we all need to grow up. NO ONE EVER BELIEVES ME!!!!! (Except my husband and a few friends who have not met my sisters but have witnessed the vandalism)~PastaLinguica

  13. Alyssa says:

    Thank you so much for this article! I’ve known for several years that my father has NPD, and finally learned how to set boundaries with him in order to keep him in my life. I have finally accepted I will never have the father/daughter relationship I have sought after my whole life, and have lowered my expectations so that him disappointing me no longer leaves me feeling rejected and unloved. I now only invite him to various events if I can tell myself that I’m 100% ok if he is to not show up, then if he does, I’m pleasantly surprised. So, after I was able to get my relationship with my dad into a safe and manageable place, I began to notice the similarities in my relationship with my older sister. I sometimes feel that once you remove the rose colored glasses to more clearly view something, slowly, all other areas begin to crispen as well. I felt that same aha moment following an argument with my sister in which I was addressing the consistent theme where I’m constantly running to her aid to help her whenever she needs me, yet the moment I need anything from her, she refuses to even discuss or offer reasoning, her answer is always No! After this latest argument, I began looking at our relationship. I read through our threads of text messaging and noticed only one common theme, they were all about her. Her problems, her kids, her job, etc. The moment I brought up anything about myself, I’d get a one word response like, “nice”, or “good”. Then this article, simply stated each and every issue I’ve had growing up with my sister who was “the star”, “never did anything wrong”, was made out to be a total saint, even to the point of manipulating my parents into scolding me for things she had done. Looking back, I can’t believe I never noticed this behavior to be narcissistic, but once I acknowledged and accepted my relationship with my dad, things have slowly become more clear, as if I’m now ready to face them, and your article helped me see I’m not crazy, and that continuously doubting the possibility of having a narcissistic sister will only prevent me from moving forward with my life and I can no longer fall victim to the negativity of that relationship, which has made me feel as if I’ve been branded a failure for life, no matter what success I’ve accomplished. I firmly believe that those types of “brandings”, like failure, are strong and intense enough to almost make you repeatedly live out those beliefs. I’m hoping by following the advice in your article about setting boundaries, etc, that I will be able to come to a safe and healthy place with my big sister like I have with my father. Thank you SO much!

  14. Em says:

    Thanks especially for pointing out that they’ll befriend your friends and turn all of them against you, then look at you and say “well, why aren’t you and so-and-so speaking any more?” This has happened to me over the past 20+ years with my younger narcissistic sister and I’ve always thought “Oh- that has to be a coincidence/my imagination-” but it’s an (unfortunately) repeating pattern. Lesson (painfully) learned.

  15. lilie says:

    it was very good to read this article, Susan you are right you are not crazy. I have experience abuse of an older sister from a child through adulthood. a family gathering is coming up…… yea! since the last visit, relationships have been ruined. when you see it happen to another member it’s hard to help them come to terms. of course there are the siblings that support the behavior just because its easier than dealing with it.

  16. melanie says:

    I have only just realised now (at the age of 39) that my brother is a narcissist, and that there is nothing wrong with me after all. The problem I have is that I believe that he is deliberately trying to cut me out of his life and the lives of my parents. And it is working! My parents are slowing turning against me whilst seeing hin in an increasingly ‘golden’ light. After trying in vain my whole life to build a relationship with my brother, I know accept that I need to cut all ties with him. However, I do not wish to cut ties with my parents! But because of the damage my brother is doing, I am finding it increasingly difficult to maintain a relationship with them too. What should i do?

  17. dg says:

    Isn’t narcissism a bit greyer than that? I’m sure I’m narcissistic but I’m also sure I don’t have a narcissistic personality disorder. I was shocked by the number of traits my twin brother exhibits that fits your list. I must admit, my longing for some kind of empathy and understanding leaves me in a state of pretty deep pain. Twins! Have you read Dante’s Inferno? Read the last and deepest ring of Hell: twins caught in ice forever gnawing at one anothers’ necks.

  18. dg says:

    PS: I am seeing a psychiatrist about this btw.

  19. Nia says:

    I went no contact with my mother (my father died the year before) and have tried to explain why to my sisters. My oldest sister has Asperger’s Syndrome, so a lot of her behaviour is actually copied from my mother since she is the oldest sibling. It is even more crazy making because you have a double whammy. I know since my son is also AS. Trying to get them to change their opinions on a subject is almost impossible because of the way their brains are wired.

    My other sister I fear was a golden child. For years I looked up to her and ignored the insults, accusations, and betrayals. I realised some years ago that her actions were narcissistic. Now she has daughters of her own who are acting very much like she did at their age. My whole family are infected.

    I have tried to explain to my kids what narcissism is, but I think you have to experience it for yourself, and they were still young when we cut off contact from my family.

    I was appalled that neither of my sisters cared that much and wrote very dismissive emails when I tried to explain our actions ironically signed “I love you”. Half of the problem with being the invisible child in a dysfunctional family is that nobody listens to you anyway.

    Before I went no contact or learned about Narcissism I tried an experiment. I didn’t contact my sisters or brother and waited to see how long it would take for one of them to try and contact me. It took 2 years. I realised at that point that something was wrong, because they were all contacting each other and doing things together, flying across the country to be together.

    I reasoned, how was it possible for a whole family to agree that one member of it is not worth the effort when that one member has done nothing to incur this rejection other than exist? It surely has to be the cruelest and most unconscionable act yet from what I have read, so many people have had this happen to them.

    Thanks for this blog and the articles you write. They are easy to read and informative.

  20. Barb says:

    I am in my mid 50’s, and just found out that all the abuse that I’ve experienced since I was born, is because my only sibling is a narcissist. The ONLY people that don’t look down on me and TRULY know what kind of person I really am, are the ones that doesn’t know my sister. She has managed to take away family & family friends. I’ve been doubting myself, and your article has helped. I kept thinking that I’M not the one that needs therapy, but I’ve come to realize I DO need therapy as the VICTIM. Two years ago, I cut her out of my life. I do not speak to her in any manner. Only once have I seen her (I kept my distance and totally ignored her presence) at my cousins funeral. Needless to say, she didn’t stay for the service. My ignoring her must have really gotten to her. But I’ve HAD to cut her out of my life. She stole my inheritance from my parents (I got NOTHING, she got EVERYTHING), she’s lied about me all my life to family & family friends (that’s why everyone that knows her, looks down on me). Only, I am still getting repercussions from her lies throughout the years. Most of my blood family thinks I’M the crazy one, as you said above. I need to go for therapy so I can be free of her narcissistic bond. Staying completely away from her has not diminished the doubt and confusion. So….you’ve made me understand that I need help to deal with everything I’ve been through. Thank you. I know I’m not crazy now.

    • admin says:

      No, you’re NOT crazy. Thank goodness you see that, and that you see you need therapy as the victim. Therapy is the best gift we can give ourselves and I am so glad to see you realize that AND cut your sibling out of your life. Keep pursuing therapy. It helps. It takes time, but you’re definitely on the right track!

  21. RB says:

    Thank you for your insight into this kind of relationship. Your words ring true in my ears.

    I had great difficulty protecting my mother financially for the last five years. My sister had “borrowed” money since she move out 30 years ago. But the last straw was when my sister took out a visa in my mother’s name and ran it up to the limit within 4 months prior to my mother’s death. I found the statement the day we were making arrangements. My sister never admitted to taking the money. And yes, I did have an attorney – great advise.

    I have also been in therapy and it does help. I have set boundaries for me AND my family. I have not cut ties, yet. But that is something I am considering.

    You article is encouraging for us who are going through these real life struggles. Thank you.

  22. FireAndIce says:

    Thank you so much for this post. I’ve just found your blog after searching for Narcissistic sister. This post has clarified so much for me.

    I am suffering from PTSD due to abuse from my mother and my sister (and possibly my brother-in-law – still trying to work out whether I was totally manipulated by him too). All my life my sister has been the precious one and I’ve been relegated to the back seat. I was “outsourced” to live with relatives during the weekdays for most of my preschool years and saw my parents from Friday night to Sunday night. On hindsight, I think that I’m a better person for it because I learnt values that were important. And I now have several maternal figures. I do not include my mother in that because she has basically been a non-mother. However, having learnt the important values made me a fantastic source of supply for the Narcissists in my life.

    In 2010, I finally severed contact with my sister. It helps that she’s in New Zealand and I’m in Australia. She tried making contact via Facebook by saying that she missed having me for a sister and a friend and wished that we could have a better relationship. I immediately processed that she found another use for me. And this was before discovering that she fit the profile of a Narcissist in addition to having Borderline Personality Disorder. My husband was of the same opinion. She wanted to come over to Australia saying that her kids wanted to visit my kids (she almost ALWAYS uses her kids as weapons or pawn). There was no way that I was going to let her attack me on my own turf, especially when I’m still trying to pick up the pieces of myself which she thoroughly crushed. I ignored her and as my husband and I discovered this morning, she has deactivated her Facebook account. That was her means of getting in contact with me, but since I didn’t take the bait, it served her no longer.

    Once again, thank you for your article. Look forward to many more! :)

  23. Gunnar Olson says:

    My dad has always been a narcissistic asshole. For years I never really understood that he was a narcissist. My mother passed away about 2 1/2 years ago (my dad dumped her for his a “newer model”…his secretary. Thank GOD she didn’t have to suffer his abuse for the last 30+ years of her life. Sad, though, that it took her a LONG time to come to terms with it). My sister was power of attorney and then executor, and I REALLY discovered what a narcissist is. I always knew she was kind of a bitch, but I seriously think she’s psychotic now! It’s so over-the-top bizarre…she’s constantly miserable and trying to pin it on everyone else. She’s a MEAN, NASTY, UGLY BITCH. Self-righteously indignant that her integrity has been “questioned” (even though she cheated on her husband for 5 years). She basically punishes and abuses everyone in her life, and then has temper tantrums because everyone has “hurt” her. Get’s mad that you hurt her foot with your face…after she’s kicked you in the face!!! She’s lately tried to play the “scolding” “guilt” trip on me. I just don’t respond, and at this point have decided to completely cut her out of my life. Same thing with my dad. He’s a major DICK. I feel sad for them, but you reap what sow.

  24. TL says:

    Thank you for this..I’ve been the black sheep of the family to a narcissistic sibling for my lifetime…our mother makes excuses, scapegoats me and shoves the blame for the abuse my sister does onto me, and to justify my sister’s issues our mother in response reminds me how horrible and worthless I am as a person

    • admin says:

      Many of us have felt like the black sheep! You are NOT alone. You are not horrible or worthless either. Don’t believe that! You deserve better. Find a good therapist or counselor and work on discovering the wonderful YOU that they can’t see. DO NOT let anyone dictate who you are, or arent’. You are precious in God’s eyes and He made you exactly the way He wanted you. Celebrate who you are. They are wrong, and mentally unstable….ignore them. Find people who appreciate YOU.

  25. DD says:

    I too have recently “seen the light”, regarding my younger sister. So many things make sense. Especially past events and on chatting to mum, I’ve realised that I was taken in my my sister, as I believed her lies about my mum. My sister cut my mum from her life years ago. Many of my mum’s family have already fallen out with her, as they are strong minded and could see what she was up too.

    A friend recently asked me to Google narcissist and that’s when it dawned on me.

    Now I’m reliving past events and making sense of them. Like being made to feel guilty when I hadn’t done anything wrong, but began to believe I had. So many light bulb moments.

    I’m now in a predicament that my sister has decided to have my father move in with her. Obviously she needed an extension, which he is selling his house for. He has completely changed and is in awe of her and how wonderful she is. He and I always felt better because we could share our concerns about my sister and her husband, and how we always kept going back to make her happy because she’s family, blood is thicker than water?? We didn’t want to feel that we had failed as sister/father when do many family cut themselves off from her.

    I have told then both I have no interest in the financial side as I’m sure they would be fair to me. I’ve always said as long as my dad is happy, that’s all that matters and I hope he has no inheritance money left, as I want him to have a good life. Now I’m concerned this was too naive of me? My brother in law wanted me to sign an agreement to say that if dad died before the build I would not contest the will, before their building costs were deducted. Legally this was going to cost almost £1,000 for a price of paper, and I felt hurt they didn’t believe and trust me. So I refused, but did sign a piece of paper drawn up my sister to the same effect.

    On numerous occasions, whilst the building work is still going on, my sister has stated that his “annexe” is to be completely separate and even the garden will be split so “if she comes home from work she won’t have dad spoiling her peace” her words.

    I’m so worried about my dad, he’s totally brainwashed. The rest of the family agree, so I’ve decided to take a step back. I will reply and be polite to any communications, but not instigate any. My sister very rarely contacts me first. I always been the one chasing her, now I know why!

    My dad has sold his car, he’s now totally controlled by her and until the build is finished (he’s moved in before as he’s depressed). My sister has got him at a very vulnerable state and taking advantage. I’m assuming controlling is a major factor of narcissm? Her children are still at home and tied to her apron strings, she still classes her 17 year old as a child and treats her like one. My niece goes along with it as she thinks it’s normal family behaviour, which breaks my heart – I can’t and won’t say anything to either of them.

    Any suggestions, should I, like the rest of the family do, and stay out of it and wait until he sees the light – I’m assuming when she has another “project” to occupy her and dad is even more vulnerable than he is now. Or do I ask him to Google narcissist, and hope he doesn’t mention it too my sister?

    I feel as he has been suicidal in the past, if realisation comes, he will feel silly and do something silly.

    When he moved in with her he left friends and his widow’s home, saying he won’t ever get in touch with them again as it’s the complete end of a chapter. I also feel this was influenced by my sister.

    Any comments welcome, it’s all very raw at the moment and I’m feeling very emotional.

  26. Erin says:

    This is the first thing I’ve read in my 22 years that has described exactly how I have felt. I have searched and searched the internet, typing into Google many times asking the questions, “Why does my older brother hate me,” “Why has my older brother always hated me,” etc. I think this has finally given me a solid answer. He’s a narcissist. I remember being around 6, staring into the mirror, and hating my reflection. I think part of this is due to the bullying and teasing I received at the hands of my brother. The bad thing is, I have a younger brother and we share the same mother and father and we used to have a really good friendship, but now our older brother has manipulated him and turned him against our mom and I. It wasn’t long ago though that this older brother was constantly throwing insults at both I and our younger brother – once I was repeatedly slapped in the back of the head and called a “dyke” over-and-over. After he saw I was unaffected by his behavior in this instance, he moved onto our younger brother and called him a “f*ggot,” “p*ssy,” “loser,” “gay,” etc. Keep in mind, when this particular incident happened, our older brother was 26, I was 16, and our younger brother was only 12. Now our narcissist brother has gotten our other brother into believing that he’s the only one that cares about him and he’s the only one “looking out for him.” I am incredibly hurt that my baby brother has turned against my mom and I. My older brother has never actually really known either our younger brother or I, and if he did know what we were really like, he’d only make fun of us and he wouldn’t “accept” us. My younger brother needs to know that he’s actively being used as a pawn and as a way for our hateful brother to take out his manipulation tactics. I had a wake-up call when I was about 15. Our older brother was never going to accept me. I just hope my younger brother figures it out soon and that all our older brother is doing is ruining and damaging his relationships with people that actually do care about him.

  27. esta says:

    I have narc brother and sneaky sister in law, as result of narc mother, belittling, undermining me to my nieces so they say nasty things to me, comments snide remarks, can be anything from my make up to the shoes I wear, ungrateful for anything I bought them, iv had to endure narc rage from mother and brother, v abusive, and have decided to cut them out of my life, after almost 50 years. good luck people walk away sooner than me.

  28. Elle says:

    I am the youngest of 3 siblings and have had a stormy relationship with the middle sibling. We had a dance for over 40 years where she would blow up and say scathing words, I’d retreat into my corner, sometimes as long as a year or two. She would come to me with a serious problem, and we’d resume our relationship. Until the next time when she would go crazy on me and we’d repeat that pattern.

    The last straw happened shortly after my 60th birthday. We had an exchange, she sent me a very toxic email and it was an epiphany-I know I am not as she described me–a horrible, selfish, thoughtless person.

    I’ve been no contact since then. There are some family gatherings coming up this year where we’ll be in the same setting, but I plan on taking the high road, not engage inappropriately and keep my boundaries in tact.

  29. Marilyn says:

    Thank you to all posters for the insight on NPD siblings. I come from a very large Catholic family and am the “invisible child”, though I’m now in my mid-50s. Most of my siblings are older than me. Both my parents are now deceased, and upon reflection, the scapegoating and abuse from some of my siblings, which I now see was always in the backdrop, really exploded onto the scene after our 2nd parent (Mom) died. It is only this past year or so that I started reading about Narcissistic personalities, and it helps to understand but the hurt seems to not really ever go away.

    Specifically, I believe I have 2 Nsisters (Narcissistic sisters), and I am finding it difficult to go NC (no contact) with 1 of them with whom I was inseparable growing up. The change in her was like night and day – I remember the exact day many years ago when she changed behaviors and started gaslighting me. I have had a lot of difficulty understanding how someone could change seemingly overnight like she did, unless, of course, she was NPD all along and was just very good at hiding it from me, or, I was just too naïve to know better. The other Nsister never hid it from me, and we have never been close, so I do not have difficulty going NC with her. What really bothers me is the number of Flying Monkey siblings I have who are only too willing to do the Nsisters’ bidding and/or gaslight me of their own free will. They must know how mean they are being to me. One of my brothers is an active member of his Christian church, is even a lay minister, and yet he participates in shaming, scapegoating, gaslighting, and being mean to me too. There is a very blurry line between NPD and Flying Monkey, not sure who is what of my siblings. It’s like dealing with a ring of bullies who take turns trashing me, lying about and to me, blaming me, and purposely making me feel terrible. They stopped inviting me to family gatherings a few years ago, but honestly, if I was invited to a family gathering now, I do not know if I want to be in their presence, nor do I want my children exposed to them, because I know that they would take every opportunity to continue their bad behaviors. We have to travel a great distance to attend family gatherings, and we went to them all for many years. I was given the silent treatment at a minimum of 2 family gatherings, though I didn’t realize it until it happened the 2nd time, then I felt so completely blindsided by their bad behavior. It was one of my 1st realizations of their dysfunctional group behavior.

    The last family gathering I attended was our Mom’s funeral which was last decade, and they made a group decision to ignore me and my family by leaving the funeral home for the dinner break and not inviting us to join them. Even my children who were young then knew what had just happened!

    I used to have a family email account but I closed it when they started openly smearing me via email. One of my siblings cracked my email password and deleted all their nasty emails they sent me this past couple of decades, but what they don’t realize is that I saved all those emails in MSWord. One night I took a walk down memory road and re-read all the emails from the 1 Nsister, and I was shocked all over again at how nasty and mean she has been to me over the years. If I had it to do all over again, I wish I would have been more assertive with her but not sure it would have made any difference. She is the Nsister I don’t have much to do with. Instead of email, I started using postal mail to communicate with family, and I have written congenial letters to some of my siblings, but they ignore me. I have finally come to a place of peace about this, and I realize that I cannot force anyone to do anything they don’t want to do, and it is their own choice to distance themselves from me. A few years ago, I decided that if they aren’t going to respond, I’m not going to beg. What I have noticed is that they want updates on my children, and some of them have tried to skirt around me to get to my children by asking me to have my children email them or phone them. Realizing what kind of people they are, even my children do not want contact with them.

    The relationships I terribly miss are those of my 2 sisters-in-law, whom I believe have fallen silent out of fear. They have had little to no contact with me because I am sure they have experienced the wrath of my brothers’ NPD or Flying Monkey stance, and they are working at keeping their marriages intact and/or they are being kept under a controlling thumb. I know there are other siblings in the family who are also silent out of fear of reprisal, as they see what has happened to me, and they do not want to become a scapegoat like me. The little contact I have had with some of my siblings this past few years has afforded me tiny gems of knowledge and understanding about which I am grateful, though I am sure they didn’t realize at the time what they were admitting to, but 1 of my sisters told me there is a culture of fear in the family and named 2 specific siblings she is afraid of. Another of my family members admitted that I am commonly gossiped and lied about amongst family members and that I am outcast, and openly persecuted and character-assassinated me to everyone in the family. Various family members have made such outlandish accusations at me that it made me realize (over a lengthy period of retrospection) that these accusations are projections upon me that actually apply to the NPD and Flying Monkey members of the family, not to me. Bottom line is, they are scapegoating and gaslighting me, and once I realized this I suddenly did not feel quite as worthless as what they are trying to make me feel.

    What I have come to realize is that no matter how politely I speak to them – and I make it a point to always be polite and never give them any ammunition to throw back at me – they find a way to twist facts, tell me I am the hateful one, and hate-bomb me and accuse me all over again. They accuse me of giving them the silent treatment, but in fact, they are the initiators of the silent treatment; my 1 Nsister admitted to it the last time she talked to me. The silence gap is about 6 months to a year, then 1 of them will contact me and start the cycle all over again, offer ridiculous excuses for the behavior of other siblings, and make it sound like it’s all my fault.

    Once I realized that it is okay to go ‘no contact’ (NC), I did so. I realize their hate-bombing, gaslighting, and accusations are their modus operandi and this is who they are – dysfunctional, nasty, mean, short-sighted NPD people, who do not belong in my life, even though they are my siblings.

    I wonder how people become nasty like this, and how can they live with themselves? I have no answers, except to say that 50% of my siblings are addicts, so perhaps this lends itself to NPD or maybe it’s v.v., I don’t know. What I am grateful for is the wealth of information now available through websites like this that educate and inform those of us who so badly need it. Thank you for reading this and for allowing me to tell (part of) my story.

  30. john says:

    My older sister is the narcissist sibling. She has habitually attacked all five of us siblings, as well as dad.

    When I say attacked, I mean: betrayal, bullying, emotional abuse, gaslighting, judgment, criticism, coldness, meddling, and even emasculation (of my dad).

    I have been putting up with her antics for years, because I was taught to love family for who they are. But the damage this is doing to me–and what I see it is doing to the rest of my family (including my spouse)–has become unbearable.

    I am ready to do whatever it takes to never see her again. That might even mean not going to family reunions or family funerals (except I would love to go to hers). The problem is, does that make me the bad guy?

    • You’re not the bad guy unless you start responding with violence or illegal retaliation. You know your situation best. If there are five of you and your dad, the most powerful thing you all can do is ignore her entirely. Don’t give her the attention she so desperately craves. Don’t open her emails, block her on your phones, don’t have anything to do with her period. NOTHING. Don’t respond, answer, explain, debate, talk or have any connection at all. Tell her ONCE that if she shows up at any of your houses, that you’ll call the police. Then get a restraining order and enforce it. This means all of you have to be strong. The person who gives in will become the person she either attacks, or sucks in with sweetness and charm until she gets what she wants. The ONLY way to deal with a narcissist is to ignore them…and it often takes YEARS to see and feel the relief. You can’t change her. You just CAN NOT. All you can do is set and enforce boundaries. I hope you find the strength to ignore her. She will increase her efforts to get to each of you in search of the weak link, but if you all support each other and don’t have any contact, she will eventually find other victims and leave you all alone. Good luck. It’s a hard choice and a harder path to stick to!

  31. john says:

    P.S. to my previous post, her pattern includes sending I love you cards in between smack-downs…

    • admin says:

      The I Love You cards are meant to keep you hoping things will change. She needs YOU more than you need her. In the future DO NOT OPEN the cards. Mark them “Return to Sender” and send them back.

      • john says:

        System is now in place. Calls blocked, e-mails straight to oblivion, spouse intercepting the regular mail.

        Now I have to work on my thoughts…she is currently traveling in Europe and I find myself rooting for ISIS…

        Thanks Becky and admin. Can’t believe it took me decades to figure this out.

        • admin says:

          Wooooohoo!! Good for you! Don’t worry about the time lost. Think of the years you’ve finally gained for your future!

  32. Elaine says:

    Thank you for this article. I’ve known for quite some time that my sibling was a narcissist but somewhere down deep, since it’s my only sibling, I’ve always held hope for a normal relationship. I learned the hard way two days ago to give up that hope and so I’ve been researching the subject and found this website. My challenge probably isn’t unique but it isn’t as easy as just severing ties with my sibling. My parents are easily swayed by guilt (since she tells them she is this way because of the way she was raised) and they believe that. They also worry since she’s an alcoholic. My struggle is that they do not honor my decision to cut ties to the best of my realistic abilities. I am the bad guy because I don’t invite my narcissistic sibling to family events. If she isn’t invited, my parents won’t come. This is having such a ripple effect and they see me as the cold one. They ignored the emotional and physical abuse she inflicted when we were children and have kept looking the other way. I’m beginning to think my only options are physically relocating myself elsewhere now that my own kids are young adults or simply accepting that I will never have my parents as my emotional advocates. Thanks again for the site. I’m learning so much about this sad sad topic.

    • admin says:

      I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. Sibling narcissists are really hard to deal with because they are family, and in spite of the extreme abuse we want, or think we need to keep in touch. You don’t. It’s very hard to chose the right path because it feels wrong. Go slow. You may not be able to severe ties.It’s all about choices. You aren’t the bad guy. Your parents are in denial. Remember, you can ONLY change yourself, not others. It’s not easy to walk away while watching people embrace their poor choices, but it’s the healthiest thing to do for YOU. It’s okay to save yourself. It is sad, and painful, and so very very difficult, but the alternative – a life with a narcissist – is so much worse.

    • Lorene whitehill says:

      This brings back memories . I too have one alcoholic narcissistic older sister who belittled and bullied me and seemed to form an invisible barrier between me and my mom..I know after a lot of research that my momwas also a narcisistic person who had a co dependent relationship with my sister and they seemed to feed one another’s egos. I always felt excluded and tried to change so as to feel accepted and included in their close. Relationship. Alas it was never to be. Mom is deceased almost 20 years . It was hellish going through her illness and dealing with my sister. I am so glad I will never be in that kind of relationship with my sister dealing with a family crisis because she made it hell with her outbursts and demands and taking control over all decisions. She is a drama queen, with horrible outburst of anger even in public places. Now I have set strict boundaries and will not let her manipulate me . We still get together but only in neutral types of situations. I will not stand for any more bullshit. I am sure all the past stresses contributed to me getting breast cancer .

  33. CaliGurl4Life says:

    I have finally pinpointed “what” exactly my EX sister and mother both are. Malignant Narcissists. NO SURPRISE HERE.

    My alchoholic/druggie sister is different in that she has actually made attempts to kill my other sister (the COOL BAD ASS ONE)…my Mom would insinuate and say Things about my dying Dad like, “I can’t wait for it to be over”… Referring to him as an “it” that’s just in the way, and man can they both cry for themselves but not others. Crocodile tears at best… But the youngest and last to be born wants so very many others dead… More than I am aware of I’m sure of that.

    I’m the oldest of three girls. The second one leads a crazy lifestyle but would never hurt or plan to hurt family. The youngest (ironically) the one with 2 kids is a proven crazed boozed-up, drug addicted, sociopathic, madwoman, a TRUE Malignant Narcissist.

    She’s the MN still egging my house (enlisting others to do the dirty) on Easter and leaving foul and crude “gifts” on my Mother stoop with GFY written on it the same day 2 years ago.

    Stalking me last year (3 times in 3 weeks) at my new job. ((She must really miss my guidance and advice))… She was Just to try to elicit a response in the hopes I would be fired (none of which worked, making her MAD MAD MAD LOL), meet my coworkers to spread lies and make TRY to make me look bad (her very favorite) and mostly cause disrupt in my life and get inside my head. (STILL DIDNT WORK) I quit soon after for other reasons but she likely thinks ((because she’s the Queen of Ugly Bully World which includes old people, kids and animals)) it’s due to her nasty toxic and ugly presence.

    Her email even reads how she wants to be viewed… FEAR-SHERRY. No one is afraid of her… She simply makes people nauseous just hearing her voice how she deserves EVERYTHING FOR NOTHING. HOW SHE WANTS HER SISTER DEAD…WAH WAH WAH… It’s similar to hearing a big 46 years old baby cry with a full belly and a tit in their mouth. Truly pathetic.. And she’s past due to grow the hell up.

    She lets others pay her way because she’s not smart enough to look after her own kids and get a “real career” … She’s mad about THAT TOO. I nicknamed her the Killer Cashier… Very fitting.

    I found that email name disturbing a hilariously pathetic vie for attention in the worst way… But she truly despises herself.

    Jealous, envious and pissed off that she’s not attractive and intelligent like my other sister. Jealous that I’ve dated and still know celebrity folk… Absoluytely furious I would NOT bring her into that world but included my real sister… The only one I call family.

    Most of all she wants me, my sister and my mother dead. Not gonna happen… She may have to get more people to try once again. Psycho!!

    After my Dad died she said, “all we need is 3 signatures and we can get Mom locked up, then we can get the money.” I told her she was crazy.

    I’m only touching on a few things here due to the fact the story is so long (3 decades plus) of whining, plotting, planning to attempt to destroy others. She really needs to find a hobby.

    I’m trying to understand who I am, why I am who and what I am and that’s a good person who likes themselves.
    this “IT” of A Human is not worthy of me or my time and presence.

    I now simply refer to me and my sisters as The GOOD, The BAD and The UGLY ( UGLY INSIDE AND OUT) I can stillfind some humor in all the drama and toxic purging of the past 3 decades of my life.

    My Dad did get the final word and typed a 5 page letter ripping into her and telling her he was ashamed that he produced such a vile and disgusting human. That she was a bad mother is every way possible way, drugs, leaving her kids with anyone so she could party, and sleeping with any guy that might have money or drugs. Basically telling her she’s a loser that he should have disowned her if it weren’t for her kids.

    She has no clue how close she came in 2000 to losing them in court. We all banned together and started a plan and he decided he was just too sick to follow through… For her it would have meant losing her most valuable ammunition… Because that’s ALL she “had”… And no longer does. To her her kids are just THINGS to toy with… She regretted having them so that does sum it up nicely.

  34. Maddie says:

    I’m currently 14, turning 15 in July. My parents got divorced a few years ago and although my younger brother has always been a manipulative, rude and demeaning person, he reached a new peak after this. I looked up how to tell if your in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, and he met all the requirements… Which scares me. He can be physically abusive at times, never that bad, only leaving bruises at his worst, but, he really just abuses me and my mom verbally. He calls me every name in the book, whore, bitch, slut, ugly, fat, worthless, and a variety of other “creative” insults. I’ve learned not to take anything he says to heart, and not to let him hear any of my hopes or dreams… Which, is difficult for me since he’s my only sibling, and we used to be so close. As he grew up, he just became this monster of a person I can’t recognize, and I can’t escape it. The main problem is that he never lets me win anything, or get anything that he doesn’t see as “fair”. He’s entitled, and acts as though everyone owes him something and that he’s better than everyone else… He manipulates my mother, and berates her until she gives in. How can I help my situation? How can I help my mom?

    • admin says:

      The best thing you can do is talk to your mom. Tell her how you feel, and what you’re thinking. See if she can afford to go to therapy with you. If your school has a counselor, talk to them and let them know what is going on. They may be able to help. Read all you can about boundaries. Read Dr. Henry Cloud’s book, “Boundaries, When to Say Yes, How to Say No.” ANY of his books on boundaries are excellent and you can find them in most public libraries. You can’t change or control your brother. You can only change yourself. Learn to set and ENFORCE boundaries. Learn to ignore him. Go to your room and lock the door if you have to, but distance yourself. Do NOT share anything important with him. This means don’t introduce him to your friends, don’t talk about your dreams, or anything that is important to you. He can’t be trusted with it. He will use the information to hurt and attack you. Don’t get in any arguments with him. You can’t beat a narcissist in an argument. What they hate more than anything is not being able to get a rise out of you. If you want to really get to him say, “Sending positive thoughts your way.” It will help you think positive. You’ll be 18 in four years and can leave if you want then. “Only bruises” is not okay. Tell your counselor at school. He will eventually escalate his violence and can hurt you or your mom seriously. Talk to ANOTHER ADULT, preferably at school. Find a neighbor you can trust and run to even in the middle of the night if things get bad. DO NOT TELL HIM about this neighbor. He may be being sexually abused by someone. That’s how a lot of narcissists become who they are. You might even ask him next time he’s on a rant. Just say, “Is someone hurting you, sexually abusing you?” There’s no telling what he will say or do, but if he is being abused he will be shaken to his core…..Anyway, Good for you for researching this! Hang in there and find some people outside your family to talk to….

  35. Debbie says:

    I am the younger only sibling of an N-sister and mother. Like everyone else here I thought of myself as invisible and the black sheep of the family my entire life. I only made this revelation at the age of 53 and have been to therapy which helped a great deal. I have lost the few cousins I have to her because they think she is the sweetest, kindest, blah blah blah, so how could she possibly be the devil incarnate. It is 7 years later and I still experience PTSD (inconsolable crying) at times. I had limited contact with her but after her last email inviting me to her house, I made the decision to block her. I know that if I answer her email or not, I lose.
    Our parents have been gone for a long time and I would be happy to never see her again if not for my only nephew (her son) and my 2 adult children that love their only aunt. She is very charismatic and “everyone” loves her. I have explained to my children what has happened and I don’t feel they truly understand or else think I am the “crazy” one. Thank God for an extremely supportive spouse who has seen what she has done to me. I need advice on what to do about my children. I am torn- do I allow them to love my enemy and in doing so tear out my heart again and again? Or do I continue to educate them about who she really is? My biggest fears are that since I have cut off her “supply” (me) that she will try to make them the substitute. I told my husband that if I die before my sister, I won’t even be cold before she swoops in to take my children under her wing. I want to protect them from the terror she causes everywhere she goes but can I do this without alienating them?
    I am so very tired of having to defend myself against an enemy that hides so well.

  36. freed says:

    I have only just found this information and realised after 30 something years that my sister is a narcissist. I found the strength to cut ties recently and am lucky to have a supportive husband who understands and cannot put up with her throwing any more abuse at me. However, I feel a real sense of sadness that it came to this and pain over what she has caused. Obviously my parents think that me not bowing down to my sister just being her ‘usual self’ is wrong of me but there came a point when enough was just enough and I am close to ending my relationship with them too because they’ve excused her behaviour just a few too many times now. My husband is still working to keep the door open there.

    The highly connected world we live in makes everything even more complicated and social media has contributed to the horrendous pain I feel by providing her with more ammunition to torment me and making me feel guilt when I am grieving the opportunity to have any children of my own and coming to terms with a diagnosis of premature ovarian failure.

    This article, and all those who have commented over the years, gives me hope for my future. I can understand how so many people here feel. It will be a long time before I am fully able to heal from 30+ years of narcissistic abuse, that is, if one is ever really able to fully heal from it?

  37. Elizabeth says:

    To Admin:
    This is a fantastic article – everything you say in here is true. But I’d like to bring your attention to something that’s been really puzzling me lately. I am a 53-year old SG of a narcissistic family who went NC with the entire family 3 years ago. Recently, my narcissistic sister turned my best friend of 43 years against me. But here’s the interesting phenomenon:A couple of years ago, I began to realize that my best friend was also a narcissist based on the things she was telling me about her own children (her daughter was the GC, and her 2 sons were the SG). After she betrayed me, I began to think that my sister did me such a big favor because now I won’t have to listen to her ranting over the phone about how her son-in-law stole her daughter away from her and how awful her 2 sons are, etc. I also began to see the fact that my NM turning everyone against me is also a blessing. In other words, these people were never my true friends to begin with or they would never have been so easily-influenced by my narcissistic mother and family. I say good riddance to them, as well. What do you think about what I’m saying? I’d like your input. Thanks.

  38. Mary says:

    Im happy I found this site. This is valuable information. My narcissist mother recently passed away. Her golden child my N sister was made executor as was my other sibling. Im the only sibling that isn’t executor. The first sibling influenced the N mother to let her be in charge of her finances. The n sibling claimed her territory years ago and her and my other sis had complete control of my n mother. If I offered to take her to the dr or help in any way, n mom would say that my sibling is doing that. The 2 siblings took heirlooms without me knowing, so now I have none. They claimed they were gifts. The past few years I noticed the n mom even more abusive so I had to cut contact. I believe this is also due to influence by the n sibling. Because of this, the n mother wrote a sob story note of how she doesnt know why I never visit her. This note was left out on the table for everyone to see by the n sister to embarrass me. Now the n sibling has ganged up with the other sibling and they are running a smear campaign against me. When I went to my n mom’s house to get my things, the neighbor told on me that I was there, and I was questioned. Even though the n sibling gave her friend a key to the house and she is allowed to go there regularly. Im being treated like dirt, yet I cannot afford a lawyer to deal with the estate. Im a beneficiary as they are and they are using their power to take things that they want and I get the leftovers. Im supposed to get a portion of the house value but it is estimated at way below its value-something fishy there. How should I behave in this situation?

  39. Judy says:

    Thank you for the article on Narcissists. I didn’t realize what I was dealing with until I was 50. It’s articles like this that have helped me tremendously, thank you. I have an issue I need help with, if you could be so kind to give me ideas on how to proceed.

    I’m the scapegoat. My sis is the golden child. Sis was the Prim donna. She never lifted a finger, never did a chore. I was forced to do everything, while the gifted one read and studied. My brother, who was never close to my sister has now taken sides with sis to scapegoat me further, as he wants my sister’s money when she dies. Both my sister and brother have a lot in common, as neither were around to help our parents. Sis moved away for college, as did my brother. I stayed in town to care for my divorced parents. I cared for my Dad through cancer in my early 20’s, all by myself. Neither sibling was ever around for any surgeries my mom and dad had. Dad died in 1980. My mom and I were very close. Mom went on vacation with my family, and day trips. I took off work for my mom’s doctor appt., surgeries, my family shouldered the burden of the upkeep on mom’s house, etc. All the family gatherings and holiday meals were at my home for 36 years.

    I was forced, by mom, to care for my sister through 4 surgeries, and to clean sis’s place whenever anything broke and a repair person was needed for 40 years. My sister is a hoarder, and has never cleaned a thing in her life, nor has ever taken care of a plant, animal, child, parent, etc. I also was the sole person to move my sister to 3 residences.

    My mom had my sister as POA and Trustee, against all of her doctor’s wishes and mine. My mom felt that since Linda was the oldest, never married, with no children, that she could handle her trust. Sis also had 3 rooms at mom’s home crammed full of sis’s things. That’s in addition to Sis’s condo, and 2 or 3 storage units.

    Mom became very ill in ’09. I was working, and unable to care for mom full time. My sister and brother have made an absolute mess of mom’s finances. Sis changed the trust 2X. I am still a beneficiary. My sis has stolen a good portion of my mom’s belongings. Mom died in ’14. I have requested financial douments for 7 years now. I have hired an attorney for the last 1 1/2 years. The disgrace is that I am forced to pay my attorney, and my sister is using my mom’s money for her attorney. The estate is under $200,000. I still haven’t gotten one financial document, nor an inventory of what’s left of mom’s belongings. In fact, I have gotten NOTHING. It looks like I will have to go to court in order to ever get a thing.

    I have limited funds. I’m trying to think of a way to get my sis to resolve the estate without going to court.

    Sis stays in close contact to one of my four children, I think to keep tabs on me. I have been lied about to all the relatives, so few will talk to me. My sis wants to keep me as far away from her friends and our relatives for fear I will disclose what she’s doing and that she’s a hoarder. They’re all under the impression that sis has been the one to always care for mom. She tells everyone she went home every other weekend for 40 yeas, and spent all her vacations to care for mom…which is a lie. Sis did come home on the average of once a month, but not to care for mom.

    I value your expert opinion. If you have an ideas of how to get this done without having to go to court, or have to worry about sis or brother trying to kill me? If anyone has an idea, please chime in.

    I went no contact with my sister and brother when we buried my mom. I had found out what my birth siblings thought of me, a few years back, in a text that was inadvertently sent to me. It was a huge eye opener. I thank God for showing me the light, so that I could break free from this narcissism, mental illness driven, codependent life I was living. Funny how things don’t make sense, but one is so used to it, that one doesn’t question anything. I can’t believe I was duped for so long..

  40. June Peyer says:

    My mother and at least one brother are narcissists.
    My mother is terminally ill with emphysema, lung cancer and colon cancer from smoking, but is very cruel to my sister who resides with her. My sister lost her husband to head and neck cancer 8 years ago, and now cares for my mother. Some of my friends say that my mother is cruel to my sister at times because of her disease, but I tell them about our childhood and they are drop jawed.
    My brother and I ( I thought ) had a close relationship growing up. As long as I was his little puppet, p,aging along and stroking his ego and being a bottomless pit for his emotional vampirisms, I was on perfect standing with him.
    When I became engaged, he spoke poorly about my fiancé, now my ex husband (even though my fiancé was a narcissist himself- hmmm….wonder why I married him???!!!) he even tried to fist fight my then fiancé! ( can you imagine two male narcissists duking it out?)
    I dated for 13 years until I met my REAL man husband.
    My brother constantly tried to get in my ( at the time boyfriend/ now husband ) husband’s head. ( my husband is a retired Army Master Sergeant who currently works counter intell, so he is very aware of trickery and various other disingenuous modus operandi – I am a retired police officer)
    My husband would always frustrate my brother, who tried to get under his skin, to the point where on one visit, knowing my husband is a hand shaking male for greeting and saying goodbye to other males, put his arms around my husband ( which is a really creepy, boundary violating move) and embraced him. My younger brother, who always shook my husband’s hand, went along with my other brother and hugged him ( totally weird).
    The next thing I know, my narcissistic brother has posted a long dissertation on Facebook regarding the fact that SOME men think it is wrong for other men to hug one another. He, of course did not provide the context for his objections. He soon had all his Facebook friends and my siblings weighing in on the subject, all saying how there was nothing wrong with men hugging.
    He soon was attacking me verbally, leaving enraged messages on my phone and making rude comments about the police and military ( an attempt to insult my and my husband’s careers.)
    When my husband and I were informed we were going to be stationed in Europe, my brother ( who found out from my sister) went on a tirade over the phone to me and I hung up on him. When he called me back, I did not answer and he left a rage filled message about how I didn’t love or ever visit my dying mother ( I visited often, HE rarely visited, even though he is the golden child.) how I cannot schedule visits to her like I would “washing the car or emptying the mail box ” (um, what??) and that get our orders for Germany was “going to work out perfectly for me”. Of course this was said with contempt and attitude. He then told me to remember that when “everything else goes away, you will always have your family”. He continued by telling me he did not know why he opened his house to me and my husband for our wedding reception and that “this was the thanks he gets???” He also warned me that if I ever hung up on him again, “that he would………..( a very long pause, I guess so he didn’t threaten a police officer- me- I was still an active duty officer at the time, although he did commit telephone misuse) “…… Never talk to me again!”
    It goes on and on. I have not talked to him since.
    He is right about being here in Europe and away from him- it IS working out perfectly for me.
    I will not go back for a visit before my narcissistic mother dies or for the funeral. I am totally aware that I will be slandered. It will be ugly, he will take over totally in my mother’s absence. Wow, what a legacy.
    Thanks for listening to my life’s story!

  41. Lucy says:

    This article is so accurate. My sister is a Narcissist. I am her only sister and younger. When we both lived at home I was invisible to my mum but the relationship I had with my dad compensated. I always felt anxious when she was around. She used to use me as an object to ridicule. Her hatred of me knew know bounds. She was not clever enough to hide it, she just used to bad mouth me to anyone that would listen in her attempt to justify it. I grew up believing she was the golden child. It never bothered me as I believe I saw it as normal. However, as we grew up the status quo changed and I developed an excellent relationship with my mum. This did not go down well with my sister and she has done her utmost to derail it. Every single characteristic that describes a narcissist can be attributed to my sisters personality and her son. He is her, just worse and an addict. What I have found is, their awful personality traits are apportioned to others. If you want to know how or what a narcissist is thinking or feeling, just listen to the derogatory insults and negative character traits they accuse you of. They generally are 100% describing themselves. Of course, they do not recognise this as their self hate goes deep. They try to purge their self hate in accusing others of their toxic and destructive personalities. Their only aim is to make others feel as miserable as they do. In the solace of their own homes these people are miserable, self loathing individuals that feed off of others hurt. Really, truth be told, we are the fortunate ones as we are comfortable with ourselves. They are to be pitied. They will never know the feeling of contentment. They cannot enjoy just being themselves. I have as little to do with my sister as I can. I have changed and hardened towards her. I now have the attitude that it is her problem, let her deal with it. It took me nearly 50 years to get there, but I did it. I would just like to add, that I noticed my sister has become worse the older we get. Everything became a competition that she was determined to win at all costs. Fortunately, my family and mum are well aware of her irrational hatred of me, but it does make for difficulties within the family. My husband and grown up children despise the woman. They all have seen her poison and want nothing to do with her. Which suits me fine.

  42. Tanya says:

    This site was a breath of fresh air. I have had every feeling, emotion, and my sibling has every trait that is mentioned about narcissists.

    I find the most difficult about it is that I am a very family oriented individual and it pains me that I need to “let the family ” go. And after all the pain and dissappointment. I still love my brother. I will miss my niece and nephew and I feel badly for my sister in law. Today is a very sad day as I am letting him go. But It is also a very happy day as I can FINALLY live my life, really live my life. It will be difficult to stick to my guns, but for my mental health it is what I need to do! To everyone out there who has had to deal with a personality as such. My heart feels for you and YOU ARE WORTH IT! 😉

  43. Jo jo says:

    My older sister,by four years, is a narc.
    I finally realised, when she didn’t help me, during my treatment for breast cancer.
    I finally got it.
    She was jealous, when my parents spent any time with me, whilst having treat,net.She even rang me, to throw abuse at me.I was too sick to realise, I could have just hung up on her.
    All my life, I was loyal to her, always going back for more abuse, forgiving her, what a horrific self harming cycle that was.
    I was very damaged, emotionally, without really knowing it, from her treatment of me.Always jealous, attacking, voilotile behaviour.
    I chose dreadful partners,because my judgement and boundaries were so distorted, due to her abuse.It affects everything,I realise now.
    My question is, will I ever be able to have a healthy relationship, find my life partner?
    Do others feel the same way?
    Do they feel their narc sibling ruined them somehow?
    I do feel so much better, having mostly no contact with her, tho she lives with Mum, and that worries me, also, I try see Mum as much as I can.
    It’s great to see articles, such as this one, it really helps.Feels validating, Thankyou

  44. Alison Arrowsmith says:

    My sister is a narcissist. I am her scapegoat, the one who she blames for everything. She believes her own lies and convinces her “followers” to believe them too. She uses elements of truth and expands on them to create her own fantasy world. I have learned never to engage with anyone who has any kind of relationship with her. I have learned never to let her get to know any of my friends. I now have a completely separate life from her and it suits me well. The less she knows about my life the easier it is for everyone. I feel sorry for my parents as they now have realised what she is like, and she took it out on my dying father. He died and she didn’t spend time with him for the year we knew he was ill because he had stood up to her. It was unforgivable, but somehow in her eyes was all my fault. I feel sorry for her. I would hate to live in her head-space. I love her, but can’t have any kind of relationship with her. If I accidentally land up in the same room as her she ignores me and huffs. My children ask what is wrong with her and I explain that she isn’t mentally well. She believes her own lies and stories so to her I am a monster. What a horrible life. My mother tries to placate her and I understand this as she is her daughter. I feel terribly sad for my mother and the situation we face, but there is no other solution. By blocking my sister from my life, makes life easier for my mum and myself.

  45. Caitlin says:

    It’s good know that I’m not alone in this crazy dysfunctional narcissistic family. They have became friends with my ex husband and he is also a narcissist or control freak and used Parental Alienation syndrome to turn my kids both against me for at least the last 7 years. I have gone NC with the MN siblings … They seem to hate me for a long time especially the Queen Bee MN, who they all call “Queen Bee”. Imagine that and she likes the name.. They have not had good health although they say they are. They are also addicts, addicted to gambling etc. Queen Bee and her daughter seem to be ruling the family but it’s hilarious that they say I am crazy and paranoid when they go out and adopt a pit bull probably for protection, the Queen Bee’s daughter was texting that she “kicked her old dog” and now that dog is sick… last I heard. She also is overly overweight and they all try to help but seems the controlling backfires. Haha
    I have actually done and come to terms they are hypocrites, nasty, fake, malicious and will and have done smear campaigns against me.. So I no longer care what comes out of their mouths or their flying monkeys/minions they use. They are a very sad disgusting crew that I was unfortunate to be born into a nightmarish family of abuse who needs to be exposed, I know I am not perfect but I do wish them good riddance and happy every day with out them!

  46. Milly says:

    I have finally initiated no contact with my narc sister, following the death of our mother, though there will be some future events like funerals, weddings etc. where I will probably have to see her. She has always been a ‘Queen bee’ and, having treated me with complete contempt over arrangements about my mother’s affairs, openly viewed in group emails, but ignored, by my other siblings, it is impossible to return to a normal relationship with her. However, she is trying very hard to make out that everything is normal, even though she knows she has unfinished business with me that she will never acknowledge or apologise for. I expect to have overtures from her to try to force me to ‘forget’ what happened and even to make out that I am the one who is preventing reconciliation but she has gone too far and the only way forward for me is to untie the connections. I had to keep them going whilst my mother was still alive which was very hard and my mother, bless her, had no idea of what was going on behind her back. She would have been mortified to know. I now feel liberated because I no longer have to kow-tow to my sister and can get on with my life. I don’t care what she is saying to other members of the family about me – they all know I’m a decent person and won’t necessarily believe her and, if they do, I’m losing nothing. It will take time to get her out of my head but being some distance away, and reading a lot of blogs and posts about this, will help.

  47. Evy Craig says:

    Hi there
    Thanks for posting this information!
    I have two older brother the oldest one is a gaslighter, narcissist, twisted, self-centred delude man! He got marriaged 4 yrs ago to his second wives another disastrous! He blames everyone apart from himself a very dark horrid being-who just wants to argue! He will never see reason and only his side of events are true! He has ended up manipulating his way back into my folk’s house and they can’t get him out! He said it’s his right to stay even thou i told him he is causing an atmosphere! He is such a vile human-being he doesn’t care blames us for his life being in a mess!
    I was just wondering if you have any advice please! I haven’t spoke to him in 4yrs and i spoke to him the other night wish i never bothered as he just twisted the whole conversation and just projected his suffering!
    Thanks do much for your time
    Kind Regards

  48. Amalie says:

    I’ve always known that there was something wrong with my brother. When I was 7 and he 12, he roped me into sex play on at least two occasions that I recall. He’s always behaved more or less negatively toward me. I wanted him to love me and be the protective brother i saw some other kids have. I alternated all of my childhood and young adulthood between wanting his approval and hating him back. I did push back on the bullying. I once even resisted another sexual advance when I was 11 and he 16. He didn’t push it. We’re in our 50s and 60s now and rarely communicate unless we have to in regard to our elderly parents. There is no way in hell that I would tolerate any form of abuse from the last decade or so, he berated me in two phone calls during one of the most traumatic times of my life. He took my husband’s side in my divorce even though my x was someone he used to put down and make jokes about. Interesting that he took a side when in his own marriage he repeatedly cheated on his wife. He was emotionally abusive to her for many years, in front of my parents and me, as well as his own children. She put up with mostly by laughing as if he was only joking. From what I understand things are betterwith them now. I now understand that he’s a narcissist. It occurred to me years ago but with the lack of contact, I forgot (which is actually a good thing). Recently, though, we were forced to cross paths for family reasons. All he did was talk about himself and material things he’s purchased: cars, designer clothes, expensive jewery. He bragged about his daughter’s accomplishments and talked up what a great father he was for helping his other daughter through a difficult time. I listened to the bragging and kept mum as a survival tactic because if I were to express the least bit of annoyance, I knew I’d pay for it later somehow through some passive-aggressive action or hear from my mother about how my children and I slighted him. But my one mistake was when he talked about his family, I interjected with a few comments about mine. As is typical of a narcissist, he pretended to listen and didn’t miss a beat talking abouto himself and his family. Never once did he ask me about my husband (a kind and loving man) or my children. I don’t believe I’ve ever heard him utter the names of my children, for any reason. Once when he exploded at me he referred to one of my kids as “the older one”. It was after the recent crossing of paths that I was reminded that he hadn’t changed much at all. The word NARCIST flashed neon in my brain. So here I am and it feels good to get the story out. I can easily keep my distance and gratefully and unlike some others who’ve posted here, narcissistic sibling does not contact me either. What worries me is that our parents are in frail health and there is a comp,imaged estate to eventually settle. We will have to meet up for the first funeral and with the second will come the sorting out of the estate. It’s not a great fortune but my half is what I’ll give to my children. My loving, beautiful children who are my biggest fans and supporters. I have asked my husband to be by my side in every interaction I’m forced to have with this man, for whom I have no love or respect. I’m feeling pity for him for the first time, which I believe is a good sign in my own mental health. I’m thankful that I’ve had very hard times in my life since childhood and yet resilience has been my savior. I am strong and though I have scars from growing up with this gnat, I’ve been able to come out of it knowing that I’m not the flawed one. I’m the strong one and he is weak. I’m human, though, and when our parents pass, I worry that I will rock the boat and blurt out what I think of me. I’m therefore scared both of this future inevitable interaction with this narc and my own emotions. I’ve started to prepare and I’m enlisting my therapists help. Wish me luck. Thanks for reading.

  49. Mags says:

    My sisters are twins my mother died six months ago for two years before she died they went on a campgain to destroy me they wanted to take over my life I did not go along with this they told me I was not allowed to have anything to do with my nieces/nephews they have set out to destroy me I have walked away from them all cannot believe what they have done.they are so full of raw hate for me but then they hate everyone

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