The Narcissist at Work

How to Get the Narcissist Out of Your Head

Once you realize the narcissist is an abusive, self-centered, obnoxious, toxic jerk and you get out of the relationship (or while you’re trying to) you’ll realize something really horrifying. The narcissist is out of your life (or about to be), but you can’t get them out of your head!

You begin to think you’re going crazy, or that they’ve secretly implanted some sort of device in your head to make you think of them. You find yourself wondering what they’re doing, how they’re doing, who they’re seeing, if they’re stalking you, if they’ve forgotten about you, and as much as you might hate yourself for thinking it, you wonder if they “miss you.”

The crazy cycle starts when you start trying to “figure out” or “understand” or make sense of WHY YOU? Why couldn’t you change him/her? Why did he/she pick you? What could you have done differently? You obsess because you think you have to make sense of what happened before you can let it go. The thing is, it’s not logical. It’s not something you could have fixed. Narcissists are unfixable. They’re broken people. Just like Humpty-Dumpty – NO ONE CAN PUT THE NARCISSIST back together. So stop trying.

The good news is, if you’re thinking these things, you’re normal. Most people who flee a narcissist have those same thoughts. They become obsessed with thoughts of their former abuser or narcissist and can’t stop thinking about them. I’ve known people to drive by their ex’s house to “See if they were home,” or call and hang up just to hear their voice or their answering machine message. You’re having those feelings, thoughts and struggles because you’re probably co-dependent. Your focus is always on the welfare of others, not yourself. You probably don’t have good boundaries, and you don’t know how to function in a healthy relationship. You’re drawn to what you know best and for most co-dependents, what you know best is being treated like a doormat and being taken advantage of. You may have the narcissist out of your life, but now it’s time to get them out of your head.

JOURNAL

Step one to solving any problem is identifying it. This means starting and keeping a journal. Every time you think about the narcissist, write it down. This is NOT an exercise for you to understand the narcissist, but for you to understand your thought process and needs. Write down:

  • the date
  • the time
  • the thought
  • where you are
  • what you’re doing
  • how you’re feeling.
  • what you really need at that moment

For instance:

4:45 p.m. Friday, Feb. 22, work, getting ready to leave work and go to the grocery store to get dinner. Feeling anxious. Thought: I wonder what the Narcissist is doing for dinner?

What do I need?: I need to be needed, to cook for someone. I feel lonely.

Feel free to write more about how you feel, what you’re thinking. Try to find a pattern or times in your pre-narcissist days that you felt like you do now. Being able to identify who and what makes you think about the narcissist will help you figure out what you  need to do to stop those feelings and thoughts.

To escape our own uncomfortable feelings co-dependents focus on other people’s feelings. By making or helping someone else feel better, we feel better. Our own discomfort and pain is never addressed, but we manage to stuff it down by helping others. Narcissists intuitively know this and are attracted to co-dependents because they are excellent sources of supply. The narcissist has a bottomless need to be stroked, loved, helped and paid attention to, and the co-dependent has an almost bottomless supply of love, attention and caretaking to give. The narcissist thrives on taking, the co-dependent thrives on giving. They’re a perfect match, until the codependent suddenly wakes up and realizes they have needs that aren’t being met. This usually happens when the narcissist becomes abusive, demanding, cruel or colder than usual. The charisma and laser focused attention of the early days are gone. Reality has set in and the co-dependent slowly begins to realize they are not appreciated, loved or all that they were told they were. Many leave, others are dumped. But however you get out, you still find that something inside you craves the act of caring for someone with such huge needs! This is NOT healthy. It’s YOUR disease (co-dependency) talking.

It’s hard to think that you love this person, were in love with them, and had good times with them, yet they’re also such a monster and so infuriating. But that’s the way narcissistic relationships work. They are dysfunctional, unhealthy and illogical. You can’t figure it out. You have to accept it, process what feeling you can, and  move on.

If you let your thoughts keep recurring without any action to dismiss them, you will be just as miserable, maybe even more so, than when you were actively involved with the narcissist. The journal you keep helps you identify YOUR NEEDS and the triggers that make you think about the narcissist. Once you’ve kept the journal for 30 days or so, go back through it and see if you can spot the patterns. When do you think of the narcissist the most? What are you doing? What do you need at that time?

Secondly, narcissists pick victims who don’t have good, strong or healthy boundaries. Normal, healthy people do not give up their lives for another person for no reason. People have needs and healthy people get their needs met in healthy ways, ways that don’t hurt others and that don’t take advantage of others. For a narcissist, finding a co-dependent is like a bank robber finding an unlocked bank vault with no security. They can each take all they want without fear of someone stopping them.

If you want to get the narcissist out of your head, you have to define, set and enforce your boundaries. I suggest Dr. Henry Cloud’s book, Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life. It’s excellent.

Work on setting boundaries at the same time you’re working on keeping your journal. After you begin to spot patterns in your life and triggers that make you think about the narcissist, start taking action to change those patterns. If you always met the narcissist for dinner on Friday after work, start meeting friends instead. Or go to a movie, take a class, join a gym and workout at that time. The idea is not to totally stop doing something on Friday after work, but to tweak your habit so that now it’s something good, something you look forward to. Instead of wondering what the narcissist is doing after work etc, etc, you’ll start thinking about your new friends, class, or activity. The idea is to eventually replace the thoughts of the narcissist with positive thoughts about new people and activities. The process of evicting the narcissist from your mind is different for everyone. It’s a matter of accepting the fact that there is no logical, rationale or reasonable explanation for why the narcissist did what they did. They’re broken, remember? They CAN NOT be fixed. So give it up. Work on YOU and your needs. Fix YOU and the rest will fall into place.

Until your wounded, hurting, insecure, co-dependent self heals you won’t be able to evict the narcissist. Either that, or you’ll find another narcissist because it feels familiar to be used. Nothing in your outer life changes until your inner life changes. It’s that  simple. The “fixing, healing, curing work” has to be done on YOU, not someone else. Remind yourself of these things:

  • YOU did nothing wrong
  • Narcissists are not logical and you cannot figure them out
  • There really was NOTHING you could do to help, heal, cure or change them
  • The only person you can heal, help or change is yourself. If you can’t change yourself then what makes you think you can change anyone else?
  • The only closure you can bring to the situation is what you give yourself. They will NEVER give you closure.
  • You fell in love with, or got involved with an illusion, not a person. That’s why you can’t “fix it.”  IT never existed except in your mind.
  • You CAN heal yourself if you work on yourself

Finding a support group or working with a professional therapist can help you process your feelings and identify the wounded part of yourself that was attracted to the narcissist in the first place. Reading all you can about narcissism will help you understand that you are not crazy, not alone and not the first person on the planet to deal with these people. Once you understand how they operate and learn to spot the signs of a narcissist you’ll learn to avoid them and to not get involved. It takes time. It’s difficult, but it’s doable. You CAN DO IT. You just have to decide and start doing it…one step at a time.

 

83 Comments to "How to Get the Narcissist Out of Your Head"

  1. soraya says:

    This article was the best i ever read!!! and i have read soooooo many….its true..each and every word. I was in a relationship for the second time with a narcissist.they are crazy lying cheats who want to make their life from your life..in every sense..run ..just run! i want to mention how they admire their physical self and sell themselves on the net…how they have superficial relationships randomly on the social networking sites and they are nice as long as you give them what hey want..when you sau NO..the devil comes alive….to torment you and ….destroy you…despise them..thats all i can say….like this article says..i am co dependent..im now helping myself to build strong boundaries….im happy i discovered what he is….NARCISSIST!

    • admin says:

      Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it! Yes, they are crazy and they make US crazy. Good for you! Heal fast sister!

    • Sunrain says:

      I couldn’t agree with you more. I’ve read about every article and comment that is out and this has to be the best one. This is my first encounter of dealing with a narcissist. I am devasted. It has been almost two years and I always knew that something was just not normal. I am glad that I’m learning what narcissism is and what the victims go thru. I feel like I have hope to get free..

  2. Stacy says:

    This article is a life saver. I stumbled on it looking for a website with a way to get my narcissistic ex-husband back. But the truth is, I don’t really want him back, I am just obsessed with him! I am going to start journaling today. Thanks so much for this eye opener.

  3. My ideas stolen says:

    Thanks for the article. I work with a narcissist and my ideas, taste in food, and professional items have ALL been stolen from this person! Even though they are just a co-worker, it is like I want to PREVENT them from lying and stealing and I need to heed the advice presented here: NARCISSISTS CANNOT BE FIXED. Leave that broken egg (Humpty) on the floor and focus on my own well-being.

  4. Scott says:

    The best, concise article I’ve read on what makes up a narcissist and the person they choose. I was the idiot doormat who gave up my life. I couldn’t understand why part of it felt normal, but something inside of me was saying “run.” There were red flags everywhere, and yet I stayed. I was demeaned, put down, made to feel less than, and yet I stayed. We dated for almost 3 years, and he would hardly admit we were dating, much less a couple. There was an unspoken rule – as long as I was doing for him, and I mean everything, I was allowed in his life. In the end I asked what did I get out of it, and he said “you got to spend time with me.” I couldn’t believe the arrogance. Now there’s complete cold and indifference toward me, as if I never existed. Another NS came along – I was too exhausted by the end to give any more. I left with my self-esteem gone, my sense of self, and it felt like my soul was gone too. Now I’m rebuilding, and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I know what he is now, but I still obsess about him. I can’t understand why – I feel like I just got out of a cult. It’s the most damaging relationship I’ve ever had. These people literally have no emotions, no heart, and no humanity. They are takers, and if you allow it, they will take everything from you, including your dignity. It’s a sad, horrible relationship that doesn’t reveal itself until the end. Then, you’re left wondering how there are people in this world that could actually do that to someone else.

    • admin says:

      That sounds like the classic narcissist! You’re right. Narcissists have no emotions, no heart and no humanity. They are professional takers. As much as I think we’d all like to think and believe they could be healed with more love, they can’t. That’s harder than distancing yourself, grieving what “could have been,” if they weren’t such jerks. But stay strong and stay away. They are poison!!

    • Dawn says:

      In reply to what Scott said about them being “takers”. I agree 100%.

      My ex narcissist (of only 3 weeks ago) always said HE was a giver and I was a taker, which always (and still does) leaves me shaking my head in disbelief. When in fact HE took back every gift he gave me or item I bought for our place.

      The name calling, blame laying, shear crazy spew of non-stop words that came out of his mouth were mind boggling and started to shatter the very core of my soul. Only 3 1/2 months that feels like years.

      He got mad a lot. Over the most trivial things of course. And each time he would say we were over. He would never discuss the problem(s).

      3 weeks ago was the last time when in his rage, the worst I’d seen yet, he called me a “effin “C***”, and that he’d make me pay for everything I’ve done to him and what every other Bit*h has ever done to him. At that moment, I knew I had enough and walked away.

      However I had to go back 2 days later to get my personal belongings. I took my brother with me for support (and protection).

      My EX tried to keep something I bought. When I grabbed for it, we struggled over it for a few seconds. He called the police and said I was stealing his stuff and THEN started screaming over the phone that I was beating the sh*t out of him and to please hurry before he gets killed! My brother put his hand on ex’s arm to calm him down and ex starts screaming into phone that OMG now there are 2 of them beating me up, please hurry! All this took about 5 minutes.

      To make a long story shorter, he had me charged with domestic assault. I never touched him, but now I have to prove that in court and it will cost me thousands in legal fees to clear my name.

      Revenge…he planned it and made it happen. Because he didn’t get his way. He wanted me to pay…

      I am so glad I came across this site. It has helped me understand what he is and why he did what he did. After 3 weeks of NC and feeling like my heart was torn in a million pieces, I found some peace in myself and actually feel sorry for him…and his next victim, whom he went looking for the very next day on a dating site may I add…

      I could go on and on..but you’ve all been there and know exactly what it’s all about.

      The monkey dance description was perfect! And exactly what I needed!

      God bless and thank you. :-)

      • Anonymous says:

        Oh my goodness. I was also charged with assault. And mine also told me I would pay. Excellent article but I do feel as if I will fail to thrive if this man manages to further manipulate the courts. I’m scared all the time. Ptsd – ongoing and I pray for it to be over. He also threatened to make me pay through vandalism and death. They never catch him and he has managed to cause some harm. I dont know what more I can do. Alanon for sure.

        We will all get through this. We will come out stronger better people. We will have the gift of insight to be able to help others, and to empathize with what they are feeling. Pray a lot and turn it over to your higher power as much as I possibly can. I Know blessings are abundant and I trust there is hope for true and life giving love. Still, I await the day I feel repelled by the thought of him. It will come thanks to this article – for giving me the reason I feel so empty. It created an almost instant spark of hope in me. Thank you:-)

        • admin says:

          We WILL get through it! Keep prying and know that it’s not you. He is the one with the problem! Hang in there!

    • Enlightened says:

      Narcissists have emotions, like anger, hatred, pride, arrogance. They don’t have love,compassion, empathy, honesty being selfish at the center of their beings.

  5. Marcy says:

    Thanks…im not alone in this. Im not crazy. I can not get him out of my head.

    • admin says:

      You are not alone Marcy. You are not crazy. You can’t get him out of your head because that is the dynamic of the narcissist/codependent relationship! Keep reading, researching and talking to others. Find a good therapist if you can afford one, or even if you can’t find someone who can help you. Learn to set boundaries and love yourself. Those are the two most important skills any of us can bring to life-especially if we’re involved with a narcissist! Hang in there!

  6. Margaret says:

    I realize now that my father is a narcissist. What do you do if your father is one? How do I get him out of my head? He has never loved me. I have always been criticized and told how evil and wrong I am. My mom died when I was 31 and I’m now 46 and finally after all these realize that I’m not the problem. My father is the problem. He is a very cold, heartless person. My children are still very young. He wanted complete control by calling me every day and I had to report to him what was going on with them. Rewind to Christmas 2012. His girlfriend calls me ignorant and he gives me the silent treatment. He has not spoken to me, but I have been obsessed with thoughts of dealing with my thoughts of anger and frustration.

    • admin says:

      Many of us have narcissist parents. It’s very hard to grow up with a narcissist parent or sibling. I had both. You are not the problem, but you are the solution. Learn to set good boundaries. I recommend Dr. Henry Cloud’s book on Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no. Changed MY life. It might change yours too! The anger and frustration and thoughts are normal. We all have them…some of us feel we’re going crazy or can’t cope or will never be normal or happy or sane again, but YOU WILL! It takes getting away, setting boundaries and loving yourself. It’s very hard, but it’s very possible. You CAN do it! If your father is a narcissist, chances are his girlfriend is going through the same thing you are and has no idea how to cope. You do NOT have to report to him about your children. You are an adult. You can say no, it’s OKAY to say no. He will rage, but ignore him and focus on your children’s health. He will NEVER change, as narcissists can’t change…not that way. You will never have the childhood YOU wanted, but you can keep your children from having the same kind of misery you had by protecting them from the narcissist. Don’t let him ruin their lives too. Find a good therapist, start setting boundaries and get help from healthy people who understand what is happening. You deserve that and you deserve to love yourself. Hang in there. I’m praying for you!

  7. Leigh says:

    I have just woken up to the fact I have let another narcissist into my life. My first was my husband of 13 years and he nearly broke me.6 years later, I thought I had done a lot of work on myself and an old flame from 24 years ago from another country where I was living at the time came into my life via facebook. He pursued me for 4 months until I said I would have a skype conversation with him. He whisked me off my feet with all the romance and attention via skype for 3 mths then came to visit me. The first week together was amazing I felt such a connection and he agreed he did too. Then things changed when I decided I needed some time out for myself. To cut a long story short, I was doing everything, from the driving to the cooking, the cleaning his clothes and even in bed it was all me. When I dared to change things even question things or have a meaningful conversation with him he said that this made him uncomfortable and he preferred to live in the moment. But every time I pulled away he felt it and he would come up and be all affectionate to me to woo me back in. He has been gone a week now and I have missed him like hell, then I realized since he’s been gone I have been the one trying to contact him all the time because of my stupid neediness, which I now realize after reading this is co dependence. I am devastated at allowing myself to sucked in and used by this man and am trying very hard to let him go. I am in the painful process of trying no contact but just can’t get him out of my head. Thanks for your blog, I realize now I need to work more on myself and not jump in to what people perceived as being a lovely love story. Now I am left wounded and wondering if I will ever get over this guy. I will try hard!!!

    • admin says:

      You will learn after being sucked back in a few times. We all fall for that at first. You sound like you’re taking steps to heal. It’s a day-by-day process. Don’t get down on yourself if you fail. Pick yourself up and try again. You deserve love and to love yourself. Keep on keeping on!

      • admittruth says:

        “will learn after being sucked back in a few times. We all fall for that at first. You sound like you’re taking steps to heal. It’s a day-by-day process. Don’t get down on yourself if you fail. Pick yourself up and try again.”

        Boy howdy, that is the truth that dare not speak its name, how we ALL FALL FOR IT at first. And ‘falling for it’ counts even if we are the ones doing the pursuing, still putting in the effort to ‘fix it’ and ‘make it work’ LIKE IT USED TO.

        It is so frustrating because it always seems like – SEEMS like – the solution is just. out. of. reach…just right around the corner, almost in sight, IF ONLY…

        We are so vested in our own efforts at rounds 2, 3, 4, 14, 15… that we are slow to realize that WE are the ONLY ones making any effort, we are the ones doing all the work and all the heavy lifting, all while the narcissist’s ambivalence grows and grows…

        But we do fall for it. And we WILL fall for it, repeatedly, although in time we understand that what we are being tricked by is not really the narcissist, because we are paying attention and we are on to him now. No, what we are being tricked by is our own sense of hope, and it takes many encounters with and exposures to the narcissist before we finally see our hope for what it was all along: FALSE.

        And we let go again, and hope that each new epiphany will be the one that finally sticks, and puts an end to the backsliding once and for all.

        And yeah, boy howdy, it’s a process… =)

  8. Leigh says:

    I have just woken up to the fact I have let another narcissist into my life. My first was my husband of 13 years and he nearly broke me.6 years later, I thought I had done a lot of work on myself and an old flame from 24 years ago from another country where I was living at the time came into my life via facebook. He pursued me for 4 months until I said I would have a skype conversation with him. He whisked me off my feet with all the romance and attention via skype for 3 mths then came to visit me. The first week together was amazing I felt such a connection and he agreed he did too. Then things changed when I decided I needed some time out for myself. To cut a long story short, I was doing everything, from the driving to the cooking, the cleaning his clothes and even in bed it was all me. When I dared to change things even question things or have a meaningful conversation with him he said that this made him uncomfortable and he preferred to live in the moment. But every time I pulled away he felt it and he would come up and be all affectionate to me to woo me back in. He has been gone a week now and I have missed him like hell, then I realized since he’s been gone I have been the one trying to contact him all the time because of my stupid neediness, which I now realize after reading this is co dependence. I am devastated at allowing myself to sucked in and used by this man and am trying very hard to let him go. I am in the painful process of trying no contact but just can’t get him out of my head. Thanks for your blog, I realize now I need to work more on myself and not jump in to what people perceived as being a lovely love story. Now I am left wounded and wondering if I will ever get over this guy. I will try hard!!!

  9. amber says:

    I agree. Wonderful and to the point article. I spent 10 years with my Sunshine narcissist. He was so giving and upbeat. I absolutely adored him. He had a drug problem, too, which disguised the narcissism for a very long time. I have been clean for 20 years, so of course I understood. When I applied tough love and asked him to leave…he would run back to mom(in his forties) and sleep with his old girlfriends…I knew nothing until it was over. He was 300 miles away but he tattooed my name on his chest and never married anyone but me. He almost killed me once after a rejection but who could blame such a sweet and loving guy who would give you the shirt off their back? I told myself it was drug related put him in jail and reconnected two years later. I know…just pathetic. I have no anger toward him anymore…I was a volunteer…the experience taught me how much I needed to love me. Its been a process over the years of suicidal depression, anger, vengeance an unforgiveness that only hurt me. Now I am at peace. I’ve remained single and I focus on me. I entered counseling and codependent groups. Please don’t give them your energy…believe me…its wasted…they are not capable and don’t understand…they ar,e shallow bottomless pits. Thanks so much for your article. You may save a life in more ways than one. Love & peace to you.

  10. Gordon says:

    As everyone has mentioned this article is succinct, well written and saddest of all very very honest and true. I dated a NS for two months recently who dumped me after I helped her buy a bed and worked for her for free for several days and although she still shows up in my mind, it is words and honest advice like this that are the only way to move on from a fantasy you miss but a situation which we should all be happy to have broken from our lives. Your line that the narcissist moves on when she has found someone new immediately makes me think that she may have cheated on me, but frankly why should I care I feel bad for the next guy… God help him. Thank you so much for these wonderful worlds.

  11. meagain says:

    i agree, great article.. tho i dont go to the lengths of co-dependancy in this article.. i totally relate..
    but one of the things that keeps being justified in my head to stay with my husband of 11+ years is i have 3 children…
    BUT
    because of terrible happenings when eldest was a baby and toddler.. he did not get attachment and i have been suspect for years and confirming he is identical personality [with complications] of father problem.. i have helped create this little innocent being that through the help of genetics and terrible circumstances he has the same.. if i reject the husband.. how can i learn to not reject the child… i have to learn to help him.. these people are ill.. i have been yearning for SOMEONe to work in this profession and do some good.. it is the latest mental health epidemic and yet its being considered normal to dump and brush off even children :>?
    would love any feedback or someone with experience/professional views.
    thankyoU~

  12. Coleson says:

    This was indeed a very helpful article to put somethings into prospective. It’s been about 1.5 years since my narcissist experience and I still obsess. I compare every love affair and romance to them. It’s crazy. I will say I think some of y’all should tone it down a liiiittle. They may lack emotion and act generally horrible to people but for most of them it’s really not their fault. Like we said, they’re broken. They aren’t beyond help but the person(s) to help aren’t a significant other, it’s a counselor or Dr. I am by the way a MAN. My narcissist was a female and she was just as cruel if not worse to me as yours were to you. She purposely built me up only to tear me down. Made me give all myself and my heart to her, even though I didn’t want to (I told her). Then when she knew she had all of me, the woman just abruptly & coldly cut me off with no explanation at ALL. I had never felt id been in love before that. She forced me to trust her, then left like I had been conquered and she had no more need for me. I am still devistated & may never trust again… I recently saw her on the street & she wouldn’t even acknowledge that I was there even though she clearly saw me and heard me speak to her. She’s a bitch… (pardon my français).

    • admin says:

      Coleson, thank you for commenting. Have you ever considered reading about co-dependency? The things you describe sound very much like a co-dependent and co-dependents are Narcissist magnets. Heal your codependency, learn to set boundaries (Dr. Henry Cloud’s book on Boundaries is AWESOME!) and you WILL get over her! Thanks for sharing!

  13. nikki firth says:

    its almost a year since my relationship ended with ex narc. He changed jobs and then changed his life completely. He’s had no contact with our kids at all, recently he’s been textin saying he missed them and he s trying to be right with me, its all him bragging,boasting how great his life is since he left and its best thing he’s done. I feel sick to the stomach he’s like this with the kids. its nearly Fathers Day, our 9 year old son has bought by himself a card for his dad. A dad who doesn’t take any interest in him what so ever, our boy has just started mx racing and he wants his dad by his side. He really has a talent for the sport. i’m with our son every step of the way. We need NC. The hurt someone we’ve been with so long can cause is soul destroying.

    • admin says:

      Be glad it ended. I’m sorry your son is caught in the spiral, but at 9 years old he can’t grasp the difference until he sees what a caring, healthy man and role model dad is like. I hope he meets one soon…maybe that of a friend’s father or a friend of yours. It is soul destroying. Keep reading all you can and hang in there and know you are NOT alone. Others have broken free and healed, and you can too!

  14. Death says:

    U damn bastards I’m narcissistic what’s wrong with that?

    • admin says:

      Wouldn’t matter if we explained it. You wouldn’t get it.

    • clair says:

      Death, I know it can be very upsetting to read this stuff. The fact that you are upset by what’s been written about Narcissism, leads me to believe that you may not be a full blown N. On the contrary, the belief that N’s have no feelings, I’m not so sure is true? Some theories suggest that N’s are over-raught with dis-regulated feelings, not no feelings. I’m going to take for granted that you’ve been professionally diagnosed. If you are an N, what it means in a nutshell, IMHO, is that somewhere in your very formative years, while your psyche was forming, it was not being seen or nurtured in the way that it needed to be, in order to grow into a healthy, compassionate, empathetic adult. Because of your biological predisposition, and environmental factors, it caused your psyche to split into 2. The True self, and False Self, as per DW Winnicott. Your true self gets put on the back burner, and remains there dormant and regressed, because it is not being recognized, and your False self takes over in order for you to survive and protect itself. Narcissism at this time is a defense that protects you from all your painful feelings of abandonment. You learn to survive on other types of superficial rewards and unconscious/conscious manipulations, modeling, anticipating, taking care of others, the more you survive, the stronger your defense gets, and your grandiosity can get. …If you are a true NPD Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as opposed to being on the spectrum and only having strong N traits… You lack Compassion and empathy for yourself, because your “SELF” was never shown those integral human traits in order for your healthy, true self to evolve. If you don’t have compassion and empathy for yourself you cannot have it for others. You live your life disconnected from your feelings, and spend most of your energy making things look right from the outside in, where we, with a “self” live our lives informed by the feelings of joy and pain we feel inside of our “selves” and not wanting to inflict that pain on others, from the inside out. That shallowness in feeling, make an N very dangerous to feeling people. While they say that N’s cannot be helped, I believe that means that Narcissism at a personality disorder level is like scrambled eggs. Once an egg is scrambled it cannot be unscrambled. But some N’s who have some sense of self can learn to manage certain types of relationships. There is a book called MALIGNANT SELF LOVE by Sam Vaknin which I consider the best book there is on the subject. Goodluck.

      • Ariel says:

        But I am the child of a narcissist and I was neglected and I didn’t form into a narcissist. I’m not so sure that this is actually how it happens. I think there must be some predisposition to it otherwise all of us who are children of narcissists would be ones as well. It seems that not all narcissists raise narcissists. From what I can tall it’s around 50% or less. And we all know that narcs are terrible parents who do not care for their children and mess them up quite well. So if a narc always formed that way then by definition all narcs would create more narcs but they don’t. Some of us have narc tendencies we grow out of or maybe some traits that we can overcome and others no narc traits at all while a few are full blown.

        • admin says:

          The people who become raging narcissists typically suffer a stronger emotional trauma or are genetically predisposed to develop narcissistic traits and personality. I had a narcissistic mother and didn’t turn out to be a narcissist, altho my sibling did, but he had other trauma in his life. It’s not just nurture or the lack of it, it’s genetics and how and when the child is harmed. It’s not a simple process.

  15. Fran says:

    Thank you for posting this. I will start to keep a diary.
    I broke up with him 5 months ago when I finally realized he had always been lying, using and abusing me, cheating on me …
    Even though I know he was an evil-disordered person who could have literally killed me without even caring about it, I somehow can’t stop thinking about him.
    But now, thanks to your post, I know this is kind of normal and I will be working on myself to heal all my wounds and forget about that insignificant ugly monster :)
    THANX

  16. Brian says:

    Hi Im from Scotland and we too have narcs and believe me their traits mirror those in evidence around the world. I have recently split and am going through a bit of pain doing all the wondering what she is up to kind of thing and wondering if she misses me>> Crazy I know. And still looking to see if she has texted or emailed me. But having read about how she is and had 2 counselling sessions I now realise as your article says there is no cure for her. I feel so much better knowing I can control myself now and that the hurt will go. Why should I concern myself with what she is up to when she doesnt concern herself about what Im up to. I was demeaned, ridiculed, made to tell her how lovely she was and how perfect she was and how she knew best. I had to give her everything, abandon friends she didnt like, account for my every movement, see my mother and kids when she deemed it was fit and for time periods she allocated. Well..ive rebelled. She said I would never meet anyone again as no one but her would look at me. Do you know what? I have. And she is nicer looking, slimmer and a really nice and caring person who appreciates me and allows me to appreciate her. Cant wait until my narc sees my new friend. Mind you she will find a fault but hey I wont have to listen. I am getting better and your article helps…Thanks B.

  17. Nessa says:

    The most comprehensive and exact article I have ever read. Not just dissing the narc, the co dependent profile spoke volumes too. Well done

  18. Joyce says:

    Please tell me where do I get this book.

  19. posh says:

    Came back to the real world!!!

  20. Doug says:

    I started dating the woman of my dreams four months ago. One week ago I began a journey of self help and healing, she really scrambled my eggs. When it was all done I felt like I was ripped out from a deep surreal nightmare. Thank you for these writings, beginning to find myself again.

  21. Gill says:

    My Dad is a Narcissist, and I have for years struggled with his bullying, emotional blackmail, demands, not to mention his verbal & physical threats. Last year I found out what a Narcissist was, and that it wasn’t necessarily my fault, and being born into a life with one, hasn’t exactly helped. Last year I took a massive step back and hardly see him now. The only reason I continued my relationship with him was for my children, he is their only remaining grandparent. I am now regretting it dearly. He gradually sneaked back in, the demands getting more and more frequent, and like an idiot, I didn’t notice. Yesterday he took that step too far, and expected me to drop everything, because he needed something. My final goodbye was to tell him what a selfish, narcissistic soul he was, I challenged him to tell me one thing he’d done for me. He was of course speechless, but squared up to me and snarled. I told him I’m not a little girl anymore and I’m no longer afraid of him, and walked away. I just have to battle with myself to keep it that way. I have no doubt he will be calling me next week when he needs something from me, I just hope I can ignore him long enough for him to realize I’m not his puppet anymore. I also hope my children will see that it was his fault and not mine that they grew up without grandparents. It does make me sad that they won’t have any, but relieved that he won’t be a roll model for them. Who needs that aggression around their children.

  22. G68 says:

    A brilliant article on the dynamics of having ties with a narcisist, and the process of healing form the post suffering and hurt.
    My illusion with a narcisist lasted 1 year. I just cldnt work it out. From the difficulties of organising & going out on the first date to the ‘Go but still be my supply’ all the way thru then i am almost made to believe its all my fault.
    Very confusing, sad, and draining in all areas.
    Having no contact with her, working on my own co-dependancy and setting proper relationship boundaries i believe will put me in a better position for a healthy relationship next time.
    I am grateful u have given me some clarity.
    One day at a time

  23. overwiththejerk says:

    thank you for this article. I’m having such a hard time still wrapping my head around things. Its been 3 weeks since the breakup of a 6 year relationship. My confusion stems more from his actions which were so different than everything I’ve been reading. I wasn’t abused (unless I just don’t see that now) but I was not told anything under a coat of sugar either. He always told me he would be upfront an honest. (to a fault?) He showed me nothing but affection and showed me love. Even when it was already over. I know my part of the co-dependence and the part of that addiction I need to get out of my life. Parts of me just say he was a bastard, a real jerk, a selfish (another odd thing – only selfish as “we” not “I” would always do for “us” not himself) a total hypocrite, negative and omg what a complainer. Even though he was all those negative things, he was still perfect to me. I know that’s a fairy tale now. I wear my heart on my sleeve (perfect victim) and cannot deny right now that I want him in my life. He moved on the day he left with a co-worker. All the while saying its over, why would I leave a messed up relationship for another? LOL. Mini -rant… thank you.

  24. Great article. Ive only loved two men and they were both narcissist. Was with both for 6 yrs. The last has done most damage.Ive tried leaving numerous times and he left once when I was 7 months pregnant with our daughter cause hefound a new supply.shes now 20 mths. Whenever I start to seem ok abd happy he comes starts working his magic to real me back in. I finally acknowledged somthing was wrong and researched narcassism even after that I went back. But left again alil over two months. Ive seeked councilling and read read read on narcissism. I feel my heart has finally had enough but I still obsess over him. I hate it. This N has takin so much away from me. My time sanity love heart soul confidence. Sucked me dry. Im an alcoholic and be sober over two yrs I exercise and focus on better me and he just keeps succeeding on hurting me. Hes now workinf on sinking his claws into his other supplyfor some rereason it hurts. Like hes reopening the wound. Anyway I could go on forever.thanx for the article I will start journaling even tho it seems like the tjoughts r all day. Councilling and working on Me. Im a strong loving soul I conquered one N I will another!

  25. Shirlee says:

    My story is just about eveyone else, discarded, return, discarded again, return, no contact, etc. This time, I busted him but he does not not why. He left his email opened and of course I went through it and was shocked. He has started a relationship with another women ( a psychologist) LOL Planning a trip to the island with her, but she was unable to go at the time he wanted. Found a membership to a porn site offering hookups and his only condition was that they be “clean”. After I got over my shock, I went into no contact for a week without telling him anything. He phoned me on the land-phone and cell phone 3 and 4 times a day til I finally picked up and that’s when he got really angry at me because he could not locate me. That’s when I went into close down mode. Anger can be your friend if you use it to your advantage. Told me I am done, he can no longer be in my life —– I want my house key back and he knew what that meant. Since then, I have not heard from him, its’s been only two days. He offered to mail the keys and I said no, hand them to me the way I handed them to me. He made several excuses as to why he cannot bring the keys. Next week I plan to call him and offer to come pick them up. Think about how disrespectful they treat you. Do you really want that for the rest of your life. Whenever I think of that conversation I saw of him and that other women, it makes me more angry. I am now journaling and putting my thoughts on paper and that helps. I don’t miss him, I miss the ideal of him, the conversations were all lies ——- everything was just a lie. When he could come visit, he would would flip his phone face down so if it rang, I could not see who it was. When questioned about that he would rage and tell me it was none of my business. What I do not understand is why is he holding on to the keys when I told him they are of no use to him anymore????? This has been a 15 year roller coaster than I have decided to get off for good this time. I do not have another 15 years of this crazy time to give him.

  26. Becky says:

    I am one week away from leaving a long-term relationship with a narcissistic man. I have to wait for the apartment to be available. He is becoming more and more dangerous. He does not know yet that I am leaving for sure. I told him I WAS leaving at the first of the month but of course he laughed and said “you’re not leaving” and then started a few tears “but I love you.” I see now who he really is and how he will never change. I just need the strength to get through one more week of him yelling at me and calling me all sorts of names.

  27. Christie says:

    BEST ARTICLE EVER!!!! I have read hundreds of posts on narcissism but never one from this approach! Yes, I have obsessed over the events trying to make sense of them, as I am analytical! It never occurred to me that sometimes, it just doesn’t make sense and never will. This “need” to figure it out taps into codependency and the urge to “fix it”, provided I just understand. This is the most valuable lesson for me thus far in healing. My new Mantra: “I will never understand, and I don’t need to. Sometimes things just dont make sense. I am ok with that.” So simple really, I almost feel foolish, but very effective! Thank you so, so much for sharing! I AM FREE!!!!!!

    • admin says:

      Christie, good for you! Yes, it is totally freeing when we finally “get it” that we can’t change them. We may never understand them and we don’t have to. We just have to accept (not approve, but accept) them for who they are and move on. We may forget that from time to time, but that’s okay. Go back to the awareness and let go again. Soon it becomes as natural as breathing.

  28. louise sherwood says:

    very helpful article which lead me to ask the question you suggest of what one needs when they think of missing a narcissistic person in their life. I am not co-dependent ( anymore after much hard healing work and can say no and deal with the consequences of the Narc being ” unhappy” with me) I believe though that people believe they have basic need to love and be loved that was not met and we miss this… actually more like crave this. Like an addiction. I write this in hopes that it helps others… I believe that we have been lead to believe that we have a basic need” for love which when it is withheld by a narcissistic personality person, ( often after years of having love being withheld as a child- by a narcissistic parent)- we think and feel we NEED LOVE. This is the biggest brainwash that leads to narc addiction. The thing is the narcissistic behaviors created this need and longing because we believe we need love. We don’t need love at all. Love is everywhere, and within us and all around us. We have been brainwashed basically to believe we need what is already present from the moment we are born and provided by Life. However some people withhold love to control people, and even basic resources such as food as a means of control. Particularly nefarious is the narcissist parent that conditions children to only receiving love and approval if they behave and are of value and use to the narc, conditioning a child from a early age to feel that to be loved they need to be of value. I feel sure that it is not the narcissist a person craves- it is the love they feel they need that has been withheld. No different then any addiction- returning to the cause( the narc controlling love) to find the cure. Returning to a narc will never be the cure, because they caused the dependency by withholding love, like a controlled substance that only they can provide. Love is not a basic need that we have to search for a perform for. Love is what we are and any person that withholds love based on what you do, or don’t do is only able to do this because you believe that love is conditional and limited. Change the way you perceive love, to limitless, every present- and no narc has power of you! this I am sure of.

  29. NG says:

    I didn’t start to understand narcissism until after I told my ex I wasn’t sure I wanted him to move back in with me. From that point forward the nightmare started. It seemed like he was hell bent on making me pay. He started seeing someone else literally within weeks if that sent me pics and told me it was all my fault. I had ruined everything. I ultimately wanted to get back with him because I realized I was in love with him but he made my life a living hell, projecting, gaslighting, manipulation, triangulation. When we were together in a committed relationship he never pulled disappearing acts on me or gave me the silent treatment. I never had any suspicions of him being unfaithful. He always,wanted to be with me. I would actually not take his calls or talk to him when he would rage about trivial things which was fairly often or was disrespectful to me. I didn’t kiss his ass either but it was still a rollercoaster and very tumultuous at times. The conflict in my mind and heart was this person was so attentive, romantic and always texted me called me always wanted to be around me. When I was hospitalized he didnt leave my side. This lasted all the years we were together but there were always red flags, the raging, unwarranted jealousy, the covert/implied put downs. Never opening up about his past, lack of communication and he drank wayyy too much.Unnecessary fights and drama. I always stpod up for myself though. Lol, he would call me a “man with a dick” everytime i stood up for myself n didnt let him treat me like a doormat or fall fk0or his manipulations when we lived together. I consider myself a very strong person but for the time we were broken up that man brought me to my knees and almost broke me. Although we were broken up and I tried to move on and let him live his life I cant tell you the countless times of hoovering, i miss you, i love you, texting me love songs, saying he wanted to work things outand knew he needed to regain my trust, showing up at my door, implying he’s going to hurt himself at times and even telling me he’s sick and going to die. Makes you believe if he’s going through this much trouble maybe he does give a shit. My final straw was learning that he was being intimate with me and someone else not using protection the whole time we were broken up n still talking, hanging out and being intimate. Ive been no contact since and it hasnt been that long but i feel strong this time around. Not gonna lie I have some days harder than others where I miss being around him the good times but I suppose that’s me having more time on my hands and needing to occupy it with something else that makes me happy. Not to mention I was pregnant several times by him and did not carry to full term due to miscarriages. It definitely has not been easy because I still feel that connection you know? What’s harder is that all the research says narcs can’t love. But some moments felt real. Coming to terms that this relationship was a hoax is really hurtful and sad. Is it ever possible that a narc had love/strong feelings at one point that werent just for supply?

  30. Wow. It sounds like you definitely hooked up with a narcissist. Good thing you are strong and stood up to him. It’s a lot easier when we don’t put our entire identity in their hands. Still, it hurts. I’m sure some moments felt very real to you, and maybe, for an instant, to him. But the facts/science say that while it’s possible for a narc to have some feelings that weren’t for supply, eventually they ALL are, or become, supply for them. It’s their nature. Sad, but true. Hanging onto the hope they they WILL or COULD change if we could find and nurture JUST ONE moment is a trap. Don’t get caught in it. Know that there are men (and women) out there who feel that love and connection 100%, or even 78% of the time and that it’s not supply for them. THEY are capable of truly loving you. Better to chase them than the .05% of the time a narc feels something real.

  31. Hayley M says:

    4 weeks out of a toxic relationship and here I am googling narcissism, I googled it during the relationship, I realised during the relationship I was co-dependent and he was narcissistic, I watched a YouTube production on the tell-tale signs, I remember showing it him and laughing saying this is us. He was even proud of the fact he was a narcissist and went off to work to tell his friends.
    We met, I was smitten, he was so charming. There was nothing particularly attractive about his looks, he was very thin and more of a Shrek than a Christian Grey, but his eyes shone and his humour had me in hysterics. I remember our first date like it was yesterday he mesmerised me, he fed my ego just as much as I fed his. We spoke every day for hours, if we weren’t texting each other we were skyping each other, he was my missing link. I remember thinking I had found my soul mate, here he is staring me in the face. He didn’t really have any friends and as a single mum who worked full time we fitted perfectly together. He gave up all his time for me, he wanted to be in my pocket and I enjoyed having him there. The red flags started pretty quickly and I remember desperately trying to slow us down. Saying let’s not ruin it, this is going to be good. Immediately he wanted me off the dating site we had met on just 5 days before, even before our first date, he got short tempered saying he had deleted his and wouldn’t know why I needed it. I calmed the situation down saying I was just reminiscing on our first messages. In all honesty I felt rushed, I wanted to continue to date one other person and stay in contact with a friend but I didn’t want to lose him so following our first date I cut contact with any other potential dates and removed myself from the dating site. Our first date lasted hours, we couldn’t leave each other alone. He told me he had never dated someone like me before and he felt so lucky. He wanted to wait for any intimacy because I was so special to him. I fell hook line and sinker, but I remember thinking well I would’ve waited anyway but you’ve taken that away from me. For the first month or so I was completely in awe of him, he was smitten, he pushed to see me all the time and I felt fully wanted by him. If I didn’t reply quickly enough he would send me multiple messages getting very insecure over us and I would constantly reassure him that I was in this and I wanted him. I reassured him more than I ever wanted to. He kept telling me he loved me, I didn’t feel comfortable saying it back but at the same time I didn’t want to lose him. I remember muttering it under my breath to him. This carried on for a few more weeks, things went quickly 2 months in I felt comfortable enough for him to meet my son, Christmas day he came to our family event and everyone was polite to him but somewhat hesitant. They all spoke afterwards to say they didn’t think he was someone I would be with but they could see how happy I was and they were happy for me. My uncle was the only one who stated clearly in front of him “he is not good enough for you”, I felt awful for him but I joked and said that’s just my uncle he’s very protective.

    The red flags got bigger and bigger, I remember thinking he never listens to me when I speak, it’s all about him, he would spend hours telling me his plans for his career, for saving money, giving up smoking weed. He would repeat himself constantly telling me how everyone at his work loved him and he was the hardest worker. If I mentioned anything about myself, it would quickly get dismissed or he would just turn the conversation back to him. I was in the process of buying my first house, my son had just started school and my career was at a massive turning point but I suddenly I felt very boring around him. Anything about me was dismissed as unimportant and so I just stopped talking and would just listen to him. If we didn’t watch what he wanted or did what he wanted, he would somehow make me feel very guilty. In the end I just gave in, watched his programs listened to endless hours of his music (which he would use as a mechanism towards me either playing me love songs or towards the end playing me songs that suggested he was falling out of love with me) and stayed in every day because that’s what he wanted to do. He practically moved into my house. Sat on my sofa, let me cook and clean up after him and do his washing but would never thank me and was happy to point out that my cooking wasn’t up to his standard, I had turned his clothes grey and even my washing up was sloppy. Every day I felt more alone but I craved the man I had first met. He would turn up, unshaven, smelling and scruffy and I would plead with him to bath but he would dismiss me. I felt so sickened by him, this was a way to reject me, to tell me I wasn’t good enough even to clean himself for. So I stopped intimacy, I couldn’t bring myself to be intimate with an unclean person. He soon realised and started bathing at my house when he wanted to be intimate. I began to speak up, I began to ask for different things for my needs and that’s when it started. I asked if we could go out once a month, I asked if he could consider my feelings once in a while. He began fighting back saying, I was overly sensitive and I was asking too much. He began speaking to me like I was dirt on his shoe and I would ask him to stop and he would say I was overreacting. He would Sssh me when I spoke and no matter how much I asked for him to stop disrespecting me he just couldn’t see it for what it was. His excuse, he was ill and had given up weed and I needed to deal with it. I couldn’t expect him to be nice to me when he was ill. I remember rowing with him one night after he spent hours in the bath and then deafened himself with water. He panicked like a small child this went on from 10pm to around 1.30 in the morning when I told him to either get to A & E or go to sleep because I didn’t want to hear it anymore and I had an important day at work, apparently I was being selfish! I had tried to give him advice on what to do but he decided the cure for his deafness was to continue to wash out his ears! It turned out he had some wax in his ears and after a week of drops his deafness disappeared. During our argument you would have thought he was dying, he was so angry at me for daring to suggest he just get over it.
    I started doing less for him, I said if you can’t at least give me respect then I cannot be this woman. I love being the caregiver but it felt wrong. We struggled for weeks to return to bliss but it just didn’t happen. His attitude towards me changed, he lost all affection for me, we rowed a lot, he asked for a break, at which point I broke down and begged him to stay. He took his break, started talking to girls on Facebook blatantly in front of me. I gave him his break, I didn’t contact him I sent 1 message to say how sorry I was and how I had pushed him away because I was insecure etc and I left him to come back. He came back and he was telling me how unsure he was of me and my behaviour but he pushed me straight away to be intimate, I stood my ground and said I wanted to work on us first and I couldn’t move that quickly, this turned him back into the doting caring loving man I first met, but it messed my head up because I had been so withdrawn I needed time to recover. I asked for a couple of nights off to see my friends, he wasn’t happy but agreed. He bombarded me with texts during this time, saying he had always responded to me when he was on his break (he hadn’t) I stupidly rang him each night to reassure him I was still there. It eventually led to many arguments and soon he just disappeared on me at first for a few nights and then he just gave up all together, I text to ask if we needed to talk, he said no I’m giving you the space you wanted. I said I don’t think there is any coming back from where we have been, he agreed and we split. I was devastated, he showed no remorse. I got angry and upset with him over text and he told me I was psycho. I stopped contacting him. Four days later I see pictures of him and a new girl all over Facebook. I asked her who she was, turns out he had been speaking to her throughout our whole relationship asking her for sex. As soon as we split he jumped into bed with her. I text and rang him to be met with cold absolutely nothing, yes i went overboard I was hurt when he constantly ignored me. I have heard nothing from him since then. It has been hell. He blocked me on his phone, Facebook, everything. I started to move on, started dating other guys and then this week all of a sudden he unblocked me from his whatsapp service. I spent the week watching him, feeling like he was watching me, he’d come online when I was online for seconds and disappear. I even went so far as to watch him on a separate account and he would sit online until I went online on my phone and then he would disappear. It was too coincidental to not be true. I’ve nearly lost my job, been grumpy with my son, my life turned upside down over the last 4 weeks as I desperately clung to him being in my life. So I text him asking him to pay back the money he owes me (yes he stole from me, borrowed from me, purchased stuff on my sky box without ever giving it to me cost me quite a lot of money). He replied…. Even agreed to pay it back, so I asked him to talk and he ignored that. I sent him exactly how I felt about him and I blocked him so I never look at him again and now I’m here, reading this realising I am co-dependent and he is narcissistic and I fell deep into his trap, but there is light now. I can see it I can escape it. So I vow now to never let him back. To move on and to work on myself from here on forward. This essay is the last time I will spend on him, I will heal and grieve a relationship that never existed and I will survive and I will look back and see I have grown. I even forgive him and feel sorry for him because love for him is a long distance away if ever, chances of him healing his broken soul are slim.

  32. Oh Hayley. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all this. You don’t deserve it. Thank goodness you found out in time to still have a life – once you get out of the trap. You saw the light and so many don’t! Thank you for sharing your story here. You have no idea how many other women, and men too, will find comfort and courage in it. Thank you!!

  33. Hayley M says:

    What do you do when you can see the Narcs new girl going through hell. Poor girl is currently in the love bombing yet controlling stage and one minute she is up the next she is down but i can see she has also been tainted by him and he has told her im crazy. I really want to warn her but i know i cant. I will pray for her!

  34. Maria says:

    I was heartbroken that my husband moved in with another woman so I had a spell to bring him back home and stop the affair he had with her. In just 2 days he left her and went to live at the motel. He called to say so and get news of the kids. The discussion was pleasant, as if he was changing to become the man I knew when we got married. It was exactly as you said…. Now he’s back home and is absolutely crazy about me. I am so thrilled by this spell that I can’t find the right words to say how I feel right now. You are the best agumaguspelltemple@outlook.com or agumaguspelltemple@gmail.com All I can decently say is that you changed my life and saved the most important thing in my life: My Family. Thanks

  35. shi says:

    Thnx a million!! I find lots of comfort support peace in your article… thank you for sharing this… it helps me since im goin through it all ://

  36. admin says:

    You’re welcome!

  37. jrm says:

    Phenomenal thread. Such an eye-opener. I would like to add something I haven’t seen on here.

    Popular culture (songs, movies and such) tells us that love feels like longing, like an aching in the heart. So when someone leaves us longing or aching, we think we are in love. I know, I was “in love” with a narcissist for six years. He stood me up virtually every time we had plans (three hours late for dinners, meeting me at the movies at the very end, etc.). Not having him there just made me long for him more and more.

    Guess what I found out. “Longing” is just “wanting”, and wanting is just “lacking”, and lacking means it isn’t there. As for “aching”…hello, that is just pain.

    Now I have been married for 12 years to a (different) man that treats me great. There is no longing. There is no aching. There is just peace and joy and happiness. For real. Love is much calmer than what the singers sing about and what the dramatist drama about.

    I think part of the solution to getting rid of the narcissist is to do some personal re-defining…

    • admin says:

      What a beautiful, healthy response! Yes! You get it! So glad to see you happy! Good for you. So few find such happiness.

  38. GHJK says:

    Great article….I was perplexed as to the reason my sister is still “in my head” after I have realized her passive aggressive nature, decided to just retreat, and pretty much avoid too much interaction. (I wasn’t rude, just polite and cordial) (I’m sure she noticed the difference in me.) OK … I can admit to co-dependency. I may have a need to “help” or “fix” or be a doormat. (my issue to solve)…but this is a sister relationship…not a romance or even a parent. One would think I could close the book on this relatively easily….what is the hold on me?
    P.S. I have learned a lot with all these posts and have greatly appreciated them….I have tried to make sense of it but the rollercoaster ride and yo-yo-ing between nice sister and punishing sister was just driving me crazy. As much as I told myself to avoid taking the bait….I usually did. (slow learner). Everything offends her and then comes the silent treatment and the looks. I never really knew half the time what I did or said to set her off……anyway…..don’t get me started.
    P.P.S What is gaslighting ?

    • admin says:

      Gaslighting is when someone tells you something that isn’t true, knowing it isn’t true, but trying to convince you that it is. There’s a movie by the same name where a woman is mentally healthy, but her husband tells her things that aren’t true so she begins to doubt herself and her mental health. You may know you’re a good cook, but the narcissist may say, “You used to be such a good cook, but I think you’re slipping. Nothing you’ve fixed the last few weeks tastes right.” You taste your food and it tastes like it always has, but the narcissist has introduced doubt, so YOU start to doubt your cooking, or cleaning, or money management etc. They will do this every chance they get until you crumble, doubting everything you knew/know to be true because of their doubts. It’s very manipulative and evil.

  39. Nucmedman says:

    I spent 4 years with my NPD ex wife
    We broke up once then I went back only to be crushed again. I’m learning more reading about this disease of their mind. I missed the red flags.
    Broke my heart. Now it’s time to try and heal.
    I know I will read the book you suggested.
    We are not alone my friends.

  40. Rosemary James says:

    I have decided that i am going to spend the whole day on the internet just to make sure that a lot of people are able to read this my testimony about Dr.Wakina who is a powerful black magic spell caster, After been abandon by my lover i was so lonely that i decided to go through the net for some relationships tips, I never knew that this was the road map that will secure the return of my lover. After reading a lot of tips on how to restore my relationship in a more better way i discovered that Dr.Wakina has a lot of recommendation than other spell casters, So with this i had my mind made up that Dr.Wakina was the right person for the job, And i contacted Dr.Wakina through these details via mobile number +2348168232724 and email wakinaspellhome@yahoo.com which i saw on the internet and i was so happy that i choose Dr.Wakina because his work was 100% perfect and the spell brought my lover back to me with fast relief. you can also visit him on his website http://drwakinaspellhome.webs.com

  41. Charly J says:

    I wake up everyday with a smile on my face and singing praises to this powerful spell caster called Dr,MOON who has done me a great favor by rescuing my relationship from break up. I used to think that i have a perfect relationship till when my lover started coming home late and everyday he gives me different excuses then i decided to keep a close eye on him then i discovers that he was having an affair with another girl. I was heart broken because i trusted him so much and knowing that he has a secret relationship, hurts me a lot.. But i thank all those who placed the contact information of Dr,MOON on the internet because through that i have been able to contact Dr,MOON and today my relationship has been restored with love and more romance than ever before. If you are in any kind of relationship or marriage stress i will do you a favor by dropping the contact information’s of Dr,MOON which are via email: Doctormoontemple778@gmail.com

  42. cyntia says:

    Am from u.s.a I want to use these medium to testify what no one as don through the internet,the great dr guru brought back my husband after my husband has left me to one of his co_worker in his office,she casted a spell on my husband dr guru reveal it to me and he break the spell and my husband who swear that he will never come back to and my child,and he called me all sort of names,he now came back to me and my child on his kneels begging for forgiveness he said he did not no what come over him but what will I do than to forgive him,that devil of a girl want to take away my joy,I thank you so much dr guru you are indeed a great spell caster,is any one trying to take away your lover or your lover is trying to live you for no reason,I will advise you to contact thise great doctor on thise email:{drigbodospiritualtemple@gmail.com},a problem said is a problem solve

  43. nmfd says:

    I just started Christian Counselling with my husband, who I think? is a narc? I’m so messed up. We’ve been married 11 years, together 17. I used to be high functioning, successful and fun, social and thrived on goal-setting and strong friendships. I don’t know what happened over the years, but recently came upon this narc stuff. He’s never cheated – I think he’s too “morally above” that – but it’s been crazy making for sure. Little white lies, dumb lies, spinning every little thing I say as if I’d criticized and “picked on” him, which began tiffs that soon escalated into rage sessions about how wrong I seemed to be about everything. I became a nag, a worrier, obessively trying to figure out why I couldn’t make and keep any plans, why life was so full of daily arguments, anger and scary rage sessions, sometimes lasting for HOURS and HOURS, never resolving anything. He could always make me believe all our “problems” were mine. “You have a lot of issues,” he’d say. But I didn’t have issues before he showed up. I really didn’t, I don’t think…Aah! Does this describe a typical situation? I am scared, a nervous wreck, I cry all the time and have cut off all personal relationships. I haven’t worked in years, except one three-month stint as my husband’s secretary which turned into me quitting to save “us” from embarrassment, arguing all the time. Ugh. I want out.

  44. Tina says:

    I just ended an 11 month relationship with a narcissist. Before I meant my BF I was a fun loving outgoing person full of life. I have an amazing family and long time friends. When we started dating he would repeatedly tell me how much he loves me, how I would never find someone who loves me as much as he does, and will never find anyone who can take care of me like he can. It was an amazing feeling I never felt before. It was like a whirlwind. But not long after I knew something wasn’t right in my gut. One day he started to bash one of my closest childhood friends because she didn’t meet him during the first two months we were dating. He told me if she was my true friend she would make time to meet him. I tried to explain that she has two kids works late and has two jobs and it’s not easy for her to get out, but in time he will. He started screaming at me telling me if she was my true friend she would make the time, and that I need to wake up and see she is not a true friend. Then to top it off he proceeded to call her white trash for treating me that way. I was taken back but brushed it aside after he apologized and went back to his loving self. At first when we meet he told me he loved everything about me. He loved that I was easy going friendly and a loving person, then after 6 months he started to hate all the things about me he said he loved. He would scream at me and say I’m over friendly because I’m insecure and need attention which was never the cause. I was a very confident person before I meet him and he made me start to doubt myself. He also had me start doubting my friendships I had with my friends wondering if they were my true friends. He would scream at me and stomp his feet while he was degrading me calling me trash, garbage, filth, retard, moron and will learn how to conform to his ways when I didn’t agree with him. I was baffled but then the next day when I said I had enough and leaving him he would apologize and love bomb me again and I took him back. I feel like I’m just a shell of a person now and forgot who I once was. He stole my light that once shined so bright. It’s only been a week since I left and going to stay strong and follow the NO CONTACT rule. What kills me the most is i’m so ASHAMED of myself for allowing someone to treat me like that. The most confusing part is I can’t stop beating myself up because a part of me misses him and can’t wrap my mind around because at times he treated me so awful. I’m so hurt that someone would try to tear me down and make me feel worthless. I pray that I can heal and learn to love myself again and understand why I would allow someone to do this to me. For anyone who knows or thinks they are with a narcissist the only advice I have is run like the wind and don’t get caught in their trap. They will suck the life out of you. No one deserve to be treated the way they treat a person they so call love.

  45. marian christ says:

    This is my testimony about the good work of a man who helped me..My name is Marian Christ. and I am based in London , UK. My life is back!!! After 8 years of marriage, my husband left me with our three children. I felt like my life was about to end,and was falling apart. Thanks to a spell caster called papa Justus who i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet, I was searching for a good spell caster that can solve my problems. I came across series of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on. There was one particular testimony I saw, it was about a woman called Grace,she testified about how papa Justus brought back her Ex lover in less than 72 hours and at the end of her testimony she drop papa Justus e-mail address. After reading all these,I decided to give papa a try.

    I contacted him via email and explained my problems to him. In just 3 days, my husband came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before. papa Justus is really a talented and gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man…If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve that problem for you. Try the great papa Justus today, he might be the answer to your problems. Here’s his contact: drabeljustustemple@gmail.com
    Thank you great Justus. Contact him for the following:

    (1)If you want your ex back.
    (2) if you always have bad dreams.
    (3)You want to be promoted in your office.
    (4)You want women/men to run after you.
    (5)If you want a child.
    (6)[You want to be rich.
    (7)You want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever.
    (8)If you need financial assistance.
    (9)Herbal care
    10)Help bringing people out of prison
    (11)Marriage Spells
    (12)Miracle Spells
    (13)Beauty Spells
    (14)PROPHECY CHARM
    (15)Attraction Spells
    (16)Evil Eye Spells
    (17)Kissing Spell
    (18)Remove Sickness Spells
    (19)ELECTION WINNING SPELLS
    (20)SUCCESS IN EXAMS SPELLS
    (21) Charm to get who to love you.
    (22)Business spell.
    (23) Find your long lost family.
    Contact him today on:
    drabeljustustemple@gmail.com,
    +2347033354868.
    You can also CONTACT HIM ON whats-app on the same phone number

  46. Karen says:

    This article helped me continue the realization that I am NOT crazy! Regardless of how much my narcissist ex blamed me, pointed finger at me, insulted me, called me negative — I am not crazy! After 15 years of believing I could change his lying and cheating way — I finally broke free from the relationship. I am pleased to say that we have had no contact in over a year — and yet I find I still think about him. I still beat myself up for allowing the toxicity to continue, for ignoring all the red flags, for not listening to my friends and family when they tried to tell me how I had changed with him, I ignored the fact that my kids hated him, I just thought if they just could see what I saw — they would understand. Truth is– I hadn’t seen the man I fell in love with for a long while. Each time he cheated or I caught him in a lie — he showered me with love and affection and promises to change, even acknowledging he was a narcissist and sought counseling for it! But he continually let me down! Yet — I continually ALLOWED his bad behavior and moved my own boundaries!!

    I do not, for one second, miss him or the unhealthy and toxic relationship. I do not want him back. But I find that I do NOT want him to be happy! I don’t wish him ill harm — I just wish him lifelong unhappiness! The logical part of me understands that as a true narcissist he will never truly be happy — but I find that I look for validation that it was truly NOT me who was the problem in the relationship. I do not drive by the home that we shared, I do not go the gym that we both belong to for fear that I will cross paths with him — however I obsessively wonder how he is, who he is with, should I warn her etc etc.

    Getting over the damage done, the time I wasted, the fact that I allowed this man into my life, my children’s lives etc etc is something I find it very hard to forgive myself and move past!! Your article however — has helped me understand that I am going thru normal stages to move foreward towards a healthy and happy relationship!

  47. Stella says:

    manifestspellcast@yahoo.com is a wonderful spell caster. Very trustworthy, My husband cheated on me for Almost for three years. he ignore me for several months and left me with nothing, but i am happy today that Manifest Spell brought my husband back, I am so happy, Now my husband is all mine again. I can now say I’m happy again. Great spell from Manifest Spell, Manifest spell is genuine. I truly believe in him and his spells. he is a professional. I really enjoyed the result which i got, his love spell is marvelous, he is truly gifted, his love spell has brought me happiness, I am extremely pleased, it worked out to my test, he has the most powerful love spell, I recommend his love spell to anyone who is ready to get his or her lover back.

    Stella DERRICK

  48. Denise says:

    I’ve been completely blindsided. Although, the red flags were there from day 1. I couldn’t walk away. I loved him with all of me and to know he never loved me or cared is so crushing. We were “together” for 18 months. Although I can honestly say it was anything but a relationship, and I barely ever saw him. I did so much for him. He did absolutely nothing for me. He is extremely selfish. But.. I confronted him on his behavior and told him that he’s a narcissist, and BAM… He left me. But he was already acting strangly, ignoring me for days, so he had someone else already that he was working on. I suppose he was comfortable that she was good supply and he let me go. After all the times I was there for him when hr was down and out and all I did for him. I can’t believe it. And I’m left with the broken heart while he’s off enjoying his life. He ruined the last 18 months of my life. I became completely withdrawn from everyone and all things that used to make me happy. I’ve always been a strong woman. Never let people walk all over me. How I let this man do this to me. I’m guessing I am very codependent. All I did was try to care for him. So… Now I’m left picking up the pieces of my life. What’s really weird about this though, is he won’t admit he met someone else. I thought a narcissist flaunts it in your face. He said I’m too dramatic, that his day s won’t be everyday drama that I cause anymore. I was in shock and of course begged him to give me another chance. He finally stopped responding to me. Its been 7 days no contact now on my side, 9 days for him. Its over. I was quickly and easily replaced. He hates me and I love him. How in the hell did this man get thrown in my path? I’m a good person and didn’t deserve this. I’m having a hard time functioning everyday. All I want to do is sleep. On very depressed. But I will not reach out to him again. I just want to forget about him and be happy again.

  49. KT says:

    You know, I have been searching for answers for 8 years. Now married to a good and kind man and 8 years out, it still hurts. Deeply. My narcissist spent 2 years off and on doing exactly what you described and I did exactly what you describe. He asked me to marry him d and then one day like a month later he called me, at work, and said very coldly “I can’t talk to you ever again”. And that was it. I’ve never gotten over it. He’s been back several times. For a few days, never with answers. He married someone immediately after that phone call. He’s still married. He’s back again. I’ve fallen into the hole. He seems different now, broken. SHE broke him. But after reading this I think he’s back in my life because I make him feel good. Right now he makes me feel good, but the devastation never went away. I don’t know how to close him out completely. It’s like some kind of mind control or possession. Moreover, I my heart and head tell me two different things. I know this is my dragon to slay. It’s nice to know its a real thing and I’m not just crazy.

  50. Anita says:

    Hello friends my name is Anita Christ from England. With a grateful heart i wish to express and extend my glorious joy to everybody in this forum more especially to the ladies.This is my testimony it was remaining three weeks to my wedding and this has been the greatest achievement i waited for all my life but all of a sudden my fiance started acting strange towards our wedding plans to me it seems he is no longer interested about the whole things he felt over reluctant as if it was never in his agenda at this time i felt my world was falling apart and he is the kind man every lady would die to have and i am not ready to loose him to any other woman for any reason at all so i went in search for reasons and solutions to get my man back along the line i met a friend of mine who told a story of how she had an encounter with this powerful Priest Iyare who helped her in getting her husband back after so many years of separation and i didn’t waist time in getting in touch with Priest Iyare through his website iyareyarespellstemple.webs.com everything worked out well through the help of Priest Iyare and now i am happily married to my dream man all thanks to priest Iyare. words are not enough to show how grateful i am to this wonderful man.

  51. Tan says:

    Thank you , Ive felt like I was losing my mind.

  52. cara says:

    Hello I am cara,I am out here to spreed this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex lover back.I was going crazy when my love left me for another girl last month, But when i meet a friend that introduce me to DR Duck the great messenger to the oracle that he serve,I narrated my problem to DR Duck about how my ex love left me and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it has been done,In the next 2 days,My love called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me before now and also in the next one week after my love called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in my desired company were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact DR Duck at the following email address and get all your problem solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct on: greatoracletemplesolution@live.com and get your problems solve like me….. ONCE AGAIN HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: greaatoracletemplesolution@live.com

  53. lisa says:

    !!! “LOVE is the key to LIFE”.DR Ehinome !!!

    My name Lisa Brown from Florida,i am 50 years old…My life is back!!! After 2 years of Broken marriage, my husband left me with two kids . I felt like my life was about to end i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time. Thanks to a spell caster called Dr Ehinome, which i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the Internet,I came across allot of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back,some testified that he restores womb,cure cancer,and other sickness, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on. i also come across one particular testimony,it was about a woman called Sonia,she testified about how he brought back her Ex lover in less than 2 days, and at the end of her testimony she dropped Dr Ehinome’s e-mail address.After reading all these,I decided to give it a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 48hours, my husband came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before Dr Ehinome, is really a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man… If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems for you. Try High ehinomespellcaster@gmail.com anytime, he might be the answer to your problems. Here’s his contact: ehinomespellcaster@gmail.com call 2348036345198 or website address: http://ehinomespellcaster.yolasite.com

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